I just didn't want to get up. I went to bed at a decent time. I think I crashed at 4. And it's nearly 2. I just...

I know that I'm going through a crap ton of stress. Work is crazy. Stuff with the site is getting on me. My father called saying he needed to talk to me, but then just never called back. My family ignores me. Mike's family is getting on my ass. I have no friends. It's just...I know it's all my fault. I just don't want to take the blame. I don't want to get out of bed.

And I went into a panic mode yesterday. Everything I said two days ago, I want to take back. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I want to pretend that everything is all okay. I'm the problem. It's me. It's always been me. It's not fair to anyone what I say or do. I'm a selfish bitch. I'm overly jealous. Maybe I have justifiable reasons, but no one else can see them. So maybe they aren't justifiable. Maybe they're just me. No, they are just me.

I hate how it seems like I'm in second. And at one point, I had Dave seeing that, too. Now, I don't even know what is right and what is wrong. I guess the reason why I want to leave is so that I don't hurt Mike. I don't want to leave him because he is making me feel worthless. I don't want to leave because he places me just as high as his best friend. I think it's my insecurities. I have no friends for a reason. I always shove them away. I always hurt them. Have I done anything other then hurt Mike? He says I make him happy, but I can't make him smile unless it's something sexual. I'm not a whore. I don't always want sex. I don't. I just don't.

I hurt everywhere. I can't grow up because I don't know how. I try to be responsible, but I always end up disappointing everyone. I'm selfish. I'm so fucking selfish and arrogant. I have way too much pride. I have no one to lift me up except Mike and I always end up shattering it like glass.

Everyone always wondered why Hikari was so self destructive. She is me. My insecurities, my self-doubt, my loathing. I may hide it well, but with her, it all comes out. It's hard to not have her self-destrucitve. I don't know if any of you see that. I doubt that any of you care. She was "annoying". I'm annoying. It hurts so much to change me and that's what everyone has been forcing me to do. I don't even know who I am anymore. I doubt that anyone can tell me. I would love for someone to try.

Bah. Stupid. I'm just stupid. I'll just go back to denying how I feel. Just pretend that I didn't say anything. You two know who you are. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything.

~Kayla