I'm sitting here listening to this fucking song over and over again hoping that it will make it fucking true and make believe that I don't care, but it doesn't. It won't. I doubt any of you understand or care. But here is the conversation I've had with Dave. Maybe then you'll understand as I sit here crying, wanting it all to just fucking end. Reflection0fFate (11:19:30 PM): hey DarknessBound13 (11:20:06 PM): I had a fucking 72 year old woman point out that my life sucks. DarknessBound13 (11:20:13 PM): Jesus Christ I need a new one. Reflection0fFate (11:20:13 PM): ? Reflection0fFate (11:22:49 PM): what happened? DarknessBound13 (11:23:00 PM): My life sucks. Reflection0fFate (11:23:14 PM): =o Reflection0fFate (11:26:09 PM): I'm sorry DarknessBound13 (11:26:42 PM): Yeah, Katey wants me to magically appologize for something that I have no idea what. And like I wanna appologize. Reflection0fFate (11:26:50 PM): DarknessBound13 (11:26:51 PM): Fucking bitch blew shit out of proportion. Reflection0fFate (11:32:53 PM): DarknessBound13 (11:33:53 PM): Jesus. I want to just stop fucking breathing. Reflection0fFate (11:35:21 PM): what the hell happened, a little more specific then "my life sucks," please. DarknessBound13 (11:35:44 PM): Just everything. DarknessBound13 (11:36:20 PM): Mike sits around and thinks that it's okay to just go ahead and RP with everyone who fucked me over. He doesn't seem to think that maybe it bothers me. And when I say something, he gets angry and mad and says that I just have to deal. DarknessBound13 (11:36:27 PM): It's like a fucking slap to the face. DarknessBound13 (11:36:54 PM): And then everyone from the SC started telling me to leave me. Garrett sat around saying that Mike probably thought that he can't get anyone better so he's so pathetic that he can't leave. DarknessBound13 (11:37:04 PM): Sometimes, no, most of the time I feel that he's right. DarknessBound13 (11:37:20 PM): I just feel like a piece of fucking shit that shoves everyone away cause I'm too afraid to let someone in. DarknessBound13 (11:37:28 PM): I show everything through anger. DarknessBound13 (11:37:45 PM): And now it's gotten to the point that I can't even be angry anymore. I start going into panic attacks. DarknessBound13 (11:37:56 PM): I want to just sit and cry. DarknessBound13 (11:38:02 PM): And no one seems to fucking see or care. DarknessBound13 (11:38:26 PM): Cause all I am is a cold hearted bitch that is needy and bosses everyone around. When I don't get my way, I bitch. DarknessBound13 (11:38:35 PM): I just sit and bitch and bitch. DarknessBound13 (11:38:39 PM): And I'm sick of being me. DarknessBound13 (11:38:50 PM): I just want to stop fucking breathing and maybe it will all just go the fuck away. Reflection0fFate (11:41:04 PM): you have insurance now, right? DarknessBound13 (11:41:49 PM): Medication doesn't work for my mother. It won't work for me. DarknessBound13 (11:41:56 PM): I won't take it. Reflection0fFate (11:43:06 PM): therapy. although medication tolerance/ intolerance is not usually genetic... I think therapy would be something that would benefit you more. You want to talk... and you need someone to talk to who can... tell you something. Someone who can help you change. Medication helps you feel better... but it doesn't change the core of the problem. And, insurance will cover therapy. Reflection0fFate (11:43:57 PM): I'd go with you Reflection0fFate went away at 11:44:24 PM. DarknessBound13 (11:44:25 PM): Sadly, I don't have time for therapy. DarknessBound13 (11:44:31 PM): I work all the time. Reflection0fFate (11:45:06 PM): alright DarknessBound13 (11:46:11 PM): I just need someone to be on my side once in a fucking while when I say I need something. I ask Mike to just RP on the SC and not on Katey's site. What does he do? Asks her if I can join. That's not going to solve the problem. DarknessBound13 (11:46:20 PM): I want to get away from these people and he is making it impossible. DarknessBound13 (11:46:34 PM): It's like a large fucking slap to the face and he doesn't understand or care. DarknessBound13 (11:46:56 PM): I've said it more then once, but all he cares about is getting back in speaking terms with Katey, not how I feel. DarknessBound13 (11:47:04 PM): It's like he doesn't care if I want to change at all. DarknessBound13 (11:47:09 PM): And it hurts. It really fucking hurts. Reflection0fFate (11:49:10 PM): I understand... I'll try to talk to him for you, I've tried before... I just don't understand it DarknessBound13 (11:49:39 PM): Lately, all that is on Mike's mind is RPing with Katey and plot lines on the SC and her other RP site. DarknessBound13 (11:49:41 PM): It's not me. DarknessBound13 (11:49:52 PM): It's not how I had a fucking emotional breakdown last night. DarknessBound13 (11:50:02 PM): He thinks that I was afraid of the dark so that is why I had a panic attack. DarknessBound13 (11:50:06 PM): And I let him believe that. DarknessBound13 (11:50:37 PM): I just put up a new SIT entry, he read it and then went to sleep. DarknessBound13 (11:50:42 PM): It's like he just doesn't fucking care. DarknessBound13 (11:50:47 PM): And it breaks me. DarknessBound13 (11:51:19 PM): I'm so angry but I can't let it out because that fucking Polish woman will come downstairs and yell at me for yelling at him. DarknessBound13 (11:51:31 PM): Last time she told me I had a stick up my ass and that Mike deserved better. DarknessBound13 (11:51:40 PM): I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. Reflection0fFate (11:51:48 PM): wow Reflection0fFate (11:51:51 PM): that... wow Reflection0fFate (11:51:53 PM): I'm so sorry kayla DarknessBound13 (11:52:14 PM): I don't know what I have and it breaks me. DarknessBound13 (11:52:33 PM): I sit here and listen to this fucking song over and over trying to convinse myself that I don't care what is going on. Reflection0fFate (11:53:48 PM): we should do something tomorrow Reflection0fFate (11:53:55 PM): fuck this drama, fuck this bullshit DarknessBound13 (11:53:57 PM): I work. Reflection0fFate (11:54:01 PM): after work Reflection0fFate (11:54:02 PM): before work DarknessBound13 (11:54:06 PM): Then I'm going with his parents to watch the fireworks. Reflection0fFate (11:54:09 PM): ahh Reflection0fFate (11:54:23 PM): well shit DarknessBound13 (11:54:23 PM): I just need someone to talk to that will understand. Reflection0fFate (11:56:49 PM): I do understand Kayla... I can't say I know exactly how you feel... but I do understand. the feeling of worthlessness, the self loathing... the feeling like the only way out is to end it all... I don't know what to say half the time because I never knew what I wanted someone to say to me when I felt that way... I always wanted some perfect answer, and... I never got it. and I always felt so terrible. The pills help me... they make it so I can at least get up now... but, it hasn't gotten rid of my problems. No pill will ever do that. That is why I suggested therapy... I think that is far more helpful then any pill will ever be. and maybe that isn't what you wanted to hear, but... sometimes I need to make myself feel important. heh DarknessBound13 (11:59:26 PM): I can't change how I was raised. I've never once felt like I've ever fucking belonged...and then came the SC. I felt like a lost sheep being found after a thunderstorm. DarknessBound13 (11:59:43 PM): We all took care of each other. We all wanted to help each other. DarknessBound13 (12:00:11 AM): I guess it was after all the shit with Garrett that made me feel like I didn't belong again and the only way I know how to deal with things is through anger. DarknessBound13 (12:00:37 AM): So I lashed out and continued to do so until they all just finally had enough. DarknessBound13 (12:00:55 AM): And now I'm back to where I was to begin with with no one. DarknessBound13 (12:01:06 AM): I'm lost again, but it's worse. DarknessBound13 (12:01:09 AM): It's so much worse. DarknessBound13 (12:01:19 AM): Cause I can easily leave my family drama behind me. DarknessBound13 (12:01:33 AM): Mike can't stop with everyone from the SC. DarknessBound13 (12:01:42 AM): And that makes it so much harder to bear.