Another entry another day. Today we ran the mile, (fun fun) Sara, Ashley, Ben, John and Me walked it. my time was 20.05 (hehe) 2mins more then last year. I'm gettin lazier besides it was like 40 degrees outside today. Too frickin cold for me. ya kno i'm one of those that has to live in Hot weather and in Il we're lucky if the summer's highest is 90 degrees. So yeah that was so much fun ^_^ And then Eric Nash the black dude who was harrassing me yesterday kept askin if I would give him a blowjob and he'd pay me 25bux. I need the money i admit for my cd but I dunno if I want to sink that low. I'm seriously thinking about it. But after the situation with jason. i think I reffered to this before so i guess I'll just say the story. This summer my 16yr old bud Amanda came for a visit from Alabama. She met these 3 dudes at the park by us and she knows i think that bondage is like awesome. So anyways these 3 dudes, Bob-17, Jason the black dude was 18 major stoner and drinker and then their buddy Christian who is a chink, age 16. Amanda took bob for herself and she kept sayin I should meet Jason, since she knows I love older dudes. So like a week after she met them she convinces my mom to let me stay at her grandparents house which is 2 blocks away. And Amanda has no curfew which meant that neither did I. So she got Bob to get Jason and the other dude together and we walked to the forest preserve *Note Amanda dressed me like a little hooker, My fav hippy t that ties down the front, pair of hip huggers, Vel cro belt she lent me and a shitload of make up and necklaces, No bra or underwear she wouldn't allow it* So when we got to their secret spot in the forest, Bob starts rollin a huge ass joint and passes it around. Jason wouldn't get away from me! Amanda told them we were lesbians (I'm actually Bisexual) so ya kno they wanted a show and it was the 1st time for me doing anything with a chick, So we kissed and started making out. Ya have no idea what its like to kiss a chick with a Tounge ring! it kinda made me uncomfortable, So To calm myself down I took a few hits at the joint. It was one of my few times getting high, but weed does nothing for me. i was feelin a bit tipsy, and jason saw that and seized the moment. he untied my t-shirt and I didn't want to stop him because I didn't want to ruin Amanda's chance to go with Bob, So i beared it and went along. So Jason pulls my shirt down and starts sucking on my nipples! The prick bit me! Amanda was gettin involved with Bob so she wasn't paying attention to me. Then like Jason kept shoving his tounge down my throat, And he was drunk off his ass he had drank one to many shots of Coconut rum. And then when he took a break from torturing me he offered me some, i was hopin it would calm my anxiety more then the Weed had, Only thing it did was make me feel drowsy. And it tasted different I've drank it before and I kno it didn't taste like that. I swear he put something in it because he wouldn't give any to Amanda, Bob shared his with her. So like Amanda started to notice I didn't like it and we all headed back to the park and hung out there. Well sara met up with us so we went to Amanda's grandparents barely anyone was home so we were in the basement watchin tv. Jason kept tryin to touch me so I stayed as far away as I could. We were there for maybe a half hour before her uncle came and kicked us out for makin to much noise. So we went back to the park and Bob had to split because he had his AA meeting, So that left Me with Amanda sara and Jason. And then Jason wanted to go to the Forest on the secret trail by the house so we did. I split and was hangin by the stream and when I came back, Jason was sucking on Amanda's tits. Such a turn on eh I found it extremely nasty. What asshole wants to fuck a chick then starts playin with her best friend and Amanda was completely disgusted but she wanted Jason to put in a good word for her. So like yeah i was like lets go to the park. At least there I could get on a swing and he couldn't touch me so we did exactly that. I don't think i've ever moved to fast. i was on that swing and swinging high. I didn't want him to touch me, And I think Sara would sense that. Well Jason was still attatched to Amanda and I was thankful for that. But she got sick of it and sent him on me, I kne he was gonna get what he wanted with or without my permission i just didn't wanna feel him touchin my body. So i asked for some more run and he was more then happy to lemme drink some I gulped half the bottle. i can carry my liqour well but it was mixed with drugs and I didn't care. I was startin to see things in strange ways, So we headed back towards Amanda's place once again. And sara was checkin out Amanda's Uncle's sword collection cuz I guess thats an interest to her. And Like I said before Jason was into the rough stuff, way to rough if you ask me, Rape was an interest to him. So like yeah i was messin with the swords and told him if he touched me I'd castrate him. I guess it turned him on because the next thing I kne he was down my shirt again sucking on my tits. You have no idea what it's like to feel completely violated then have to Sit there and talk to your friends and act like nothing is wrong. It was so hard for me. And then things started to get out of hand. Jason kept unzipping my jeans and I kept sayin No but he didn't listened. he kept tryin to shove his fingers down the waist of my jeans and I was like NO! And he still wasn't listening, he pushed himself on me as I'm sitting on the couch trying to do whatever he could to get a free feel. For an hour and a half I put up with him shoving his tounge down my throat, touching me and sucking on my chest all over. I was sorta out of it from whatever was in the drink and I was thankful for that. i Hated every second I was with him. And it seemed like the more I said NO NO NO the more turned on he got. It scared me so much. And the bad thing was I couldn't take a shower at Amanda's because Their water thingy was broke. I felt so dirty, so cheap like some slut that wanted to be abused. I set myself up for that. And I wanted to tell my parents the next day but my dad is the world's most racist person and He woulda killed Jason and Me. It didn't matter if he was the leader I still participated. So I kept my mouth shut. Amanda benifited tho she ended up Layin Bob. I was happy she got what she wanted but I was in so much emotional pain. I wanted to kill myself it was that bad. When i was walkin sara home. I called Scott. It took everything I had to not break down on the phone. i told his answering machine everything (He only has one way calling) It felt kinda good to tell some one. But ya kno what hurt the most about that night? It was when Jason was shoving his tounge down my throat and Amanda and Sara were crackin jokes sayin Like Oh she loves it when Clearly I wasn't. I gave'em the finger and they laughed. I think that proved who my true friends were. That Night has really changed my attitude towards things I guess. So like yeah that night left quite an Impression on me ( And No I ain't a virgin) I think it scared me straight. But I dunno if I wanna Blow Eric and Keith for A measley 50bux. I need it that bad but I dunno if I should sacrafice my dignity and pride for a cd. such a hard descision to make. I hope my heart tells me the right thing to do. I dunno what else to write I kinda typed myself out for now. I'll write more later when I feel like it. I guess Peace N love