Inching......closer......closer....dangling....ready to release.....can't hold on.....closing eyes.....feeling the air.... Yes I am still here. Bearly tho. Talked to Nick and he made me laugh......Thought of Birdie masterbating..... I'm twisted -_- Happiness doesnt last long. Still can feel the darkness...and it's squeezing harder and harder. Can't fight it don't want to anymore. I beg for death.....He takes me to the edge....and just leaves me there...One step closer and that shall be it. Don't know when I'll take that final step. Tomorrow? I don't know when. It's coming soon tho I can feel it. No longer fight it. Embrace it. The peace. The Bliss. Am so torn at times. I want to stay and meet my friends....Allan and Nick and just hang out and act normal for once.....but am being pulled the other way. Like a rag doll getting ready to tear. Love and death fight each other constantly It's only a matter of who will be stronger. At this point. I can't be held accountable for my actions. I have a habbit of acting on the spot.... So if you don't see me online for 2 days or so at any time..... Start checkin the Obits. Sounds so normal saying that....so confused. I drown myself in the music.....to try and blare out the pain but it doesn't work. It's like I have these little creatures inside of me that work overtime to make me feel extra suicidal. Havent felt this bad since 2001 when i was raped. 02 and 03 of July were pretty bad for me too. but nothing like this.... It's like....I've found decent friends.....they may live far away but they're still my best friends.... I love them from the bottom of my heart. they're always there for me...... Yet suicide is still there Lurking......... Tis to late to be saved. Only a matter of time. Far beyond the reach of help. Maybe months ago it was possible. But not anymore. Can't be pulled out of this hole. Suction is to strong. Couldn't save myself if I tried. Resistance is worn down so bad there's nothing there anymore. It's like one Soldier unarmed fighting a army of 2000 with guns. There's no chance of winning anymore. Lost that chance. I didn't want help then....... used to awhile ago. And Now I don't because it wouldn't do any good. Keep thinking about what the next 3yrs could possibly have in store. I'm sure there would be advantages living to 18. The freedom to do as I please. But 3yrs is a long time to deal with all this. Hell I was in the kitchen earlier.......wearin mah black bra and Jeans cuz I'd just gotten out of the shower and was the onli one home and liek my dad came home and He's like. The Whole fucking neigborhood can see what a slut you are. I'm like gee thank you....... I hate my parents.....Fuckers Not sure how many days or months I have left here............dealing with life is a bitch..... RaZoR wHoRe "So I'm sitting here screaming inside myself.......Well I'm sitting here crying inside myself.....So I'm sitting here screaming to nobody else....Don't understand why nobody hears.....And nobody hears, nobody hears.....nobody hears Nobody hears......."