Wellz......Yesterday was a hard night for me. I totally snapped. Tried killing myself. At like 2am I decided fuck it. Found my trusty new Bic Razor and spent 20mins snappin the protector thinger off.....Ended up just findin another new razor. I took it and kept draggin it down hard against my other cuts. Tore them open. Made new ones. There was so much Blood. And I didn't care. I just sat there and watched it drain. Almost as if it had Hypnotized me. I was under the spell and woulda went all the way.......So close....So close. I talked to Allen online while I was doing it. He was bein so sweet. He's one of mah best buds just wish he lived closer. But I watched it bleed for hours. Started feeling dizzy around 4am. Had my headsets on listening to "Last Resort" Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort, suffocation, no breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arms bleeding Do you even care if I die bleeding Would it be wrong, would it be right If I took my life tonight, chance are that I might Mutilation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late and I was empty within Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral, where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another Searching to find a love upon a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Nothing's alright, nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way No words rang truer to that. Around 4:30am or so I passed out from Blood loss? I dunno. I just kno I was out. When I got up at 8am had blood caked to my wrists n bedding.....Had to clean that all today. ANd my wrists are fuckin killin me. I have like no energy today....lemme crawl into a hole and die...... Man I been doin some serious thinkin About tho whole Nick-Joe situation.....And like a week after that happened. I was admitted to the hospital for Urinary infection. I didn't wanna piss cuz it burned. it went on for a week before my parents even noticed. My mom says its because I fell down the stairs with a horse.....but i think it's because of Joe. That would be a reasonable explaination anyways. *Shudders* That fuckin ft long shot they stuck in me *Cringes* Will never evere ever ever ever ever forget bein in that Hospital bed in the ER......Everyone standing there lookin at me......I hate hospitals..... All those memories tho of that Night. I think i can finally say the whole story. It was a warmer kind of night. In fall...Had to be around October if memory serves me right. My dad took me over there cuz him and George were gonna watch a football game or something at a bar and stuck Joe with watching us. He was workin on his homework or something and Nick and I just played hide N go seek. Screwin around. Ya average kiddie games. We made ourselves dinner. Joe didn't wanna be bothered with us. Curiousity got the best of us......And we went and peeked in his room and I saw this kick ass Huge Drum set he had in the corner of his room at the end of the bed. I so badly wanted to play it. I mean I was 6. come on. And Joe asked us if we were bored and we were like yeah. And he's like I have a new game for you guyz. So we of course realli wanted to play. Didn't care what it was. It was something to do. And Joe told us to sit on the bed. And we did. And then he's like Amy get on your knees on the floor. I was so fuckin clueless. So I did. He pulled down his baggy jeans...He had plaid boxers and he pulled those off to. And his dick was obviously hard. He took my hand and put it on it. And He said....Suck on it. Wasn't very big. but then again neither was my mouth. I did exactly as he said. It was weird. I didn't kno what to do. Or even what kind of game this was. Then he started pushing it down my throat and it burned I can actually feel it tho it seems right now. I asked him if we could stop and he said No. Only a few more minutes. It seemed like hours. And then this white liquid was all over. Of course I know that its cum now But I was 6 at the time. And Then Joe handed me a small towel and said clean up. And then he told me take off your jeans. I had on a pair of Pull on Blue jeans and a Grey Seattle Sweatshirt. I remeber that much. I know I told him No. My mom had always told me never let anyone see "down There" But he kept insisting and i didn't wanna make him upset so I did. Then he told me to get back on the bed next to Nick. Then Joe spread you're legs really wide like you're doin a split. I did it and then he said now tell me how this feels and he interested 2 fingers in me. I musta lied and said ok. cuz he was still doing it. And then he told Nick to get undressed. He didn't even question him. And then Joe said now lay your head in nicks Lap and I did. And then he said. Now do to him what you did to me. So I pretty much Blew nick too and he musta realli liked it. I dunno how long that lasted for. Seemed like forever to me. Then when he said it was over he let us get dressed and stuff. And then Joe let me play his drums for awhile. But he told me. Never speak a word about what happened cuz then something bad would happen. I was so afraid that Night. I felt like I did something wrong. When My dad finally came and got me. He was three sheets to the wind. And I told him everything and He called me a fuckin liar and everything. Gawd....I still hate him for that. When i told my mom she forbid me to ever see them again. My dad still says I lied....I Know it's true. It happened. I'll always know that...... I guess now since I can tell the story. It's not bothering me as bad as it used to. Now if I could come to terms with the rape maybe then I wouldn't hurt so much. I dunno. See that Little girl? That's Me.........I wish I could be that age again. Maybe things would be different......Looked depressed then.....Just liek now... I Still regret the fact that I am still here tho. Yesterday So close....So fucking close to that peace that I wanted. And Yet I got up this Morning. Why? I don't kno.......DAMMIT! Maybe next time......I dunno...... Oh then Bob was like. Wanna meet up? I'm like sure and then like 5mins later he's like I can't make it. He doesn't want to talk to me. I know it. I can feel the Vibe. He hates me because I'm a cutter.......Just like everyone else..... Life fucking Blows! -Daughter of Death- -Marie-