wellz been awhile since I updated...ummm Wednesday Ryan came over and we talked and played around and watched 3 porns....he had a boner like 3 seconds into the first porn....lol....I must say heh very Nice from what i saw.....and like he grabbed my digital camera because he hates havin his pic taken, so i was wrestling him n stuff it was fun I was actually tryin to get down his jeans heh his belt was loose. So at 4pm we went downstairs in the living room and were sittin on the couch and I pinned him just right that i could get my hands down his jeans...I ended up breakin his belt....lol.....tipped his dick few times with my fingers....if I woulda had 10more mins i woulda had him, N liek I found out my little girly powers work on him...hehe.......It turns him on. damn i'm good... Then thursday my dad screamed at me for having him over cuz no one was home...my mom kne he was over though....and then thursday my dad snapped on me and threw the computer on the floor and the cordless fone at me. and yeah I ended up breakin down crying.... And then yesterday Sara called me around 5pm wantin to kno if i wanted to chill with her and her pplz, and I was like nah i'll stay in tonight, kinda tired anyways. And she's like if Ryan were to hang out with us you'd come out and I was like yeah sure. I don't get to see him except for at skool so liek hell yeah if he were with her but he'd never hang out with her. Newyz she's like I'm your best friend and I was like ugh no i'm closer to Ryan and Antonio then you, and she's like well u've known me longer, I'm like ugh time doesnt matter its how much you trust them. i know I can trust Ryan with anything, he's proven to be a true friend. So long story short after screamin on the fone, i hung up. So then I called Antonio because I reallii wanted some one to talk to, I was on the verge of tears. And like Ryan was over there, so Antonio was actin like a little bitch callin me a whore n shit, and Ryan was like well I have to agree with him. So i got pissed and they hung up on me. So I curled up in bed thinkin of an excuse to go outside for an hr. it was like 3 degrees out and there was onli one place I wanted to be: Hanging at the forest preserve. I was tired, i didn't feel like dealing with ppl and the tears kept coming. I musta been lost in thought because the fone rang at 8 and it was Ryan. So i talked to him....and listened to him talk to himself. And then like I broke down and told him about the whole Sara thing and he was pissed that she brought him into it and stuff, and he was even more pissed when he heard me cryin, and like I told him I reallii wanted to kill myself n stuff, he's like if it werent so late I'd be at ur house comforting you. I thought that was so sweet. I opened up to him more then I've opened up to anybody. I trust him and he knows that. When he was over Wednesday he went through my MP3's and we were listening to Tim McGraw and I was like..."Please Remember Me" is the song I want played at my funeral....and I saw a few tears in his eyes....made me feel better knowing some one actually cares. I love him, reallii I do....But i'm afraid to tell him so i won't. right now he's the onli reason I'm hangin around. the fact he said if I killed myself that he'd probably lose himself in his own little world and never get close to anyone reallii bothered me....I could never do that to anyone.....especially some one I love. After last night, i realize some one cares.....and he won't betray me.....Guyz are better friends then chicks..... Wellz thats all thats up for now....