Gah sick as a fuckin dog.....grrrrrrr Feel like writing....dunno why... Past weeks talkin to Nick have been the best ever. So much fun messin around and talkin.....And there's nothing to hide.....can't reallii with cam..lol.Love him more then anything else. In the mornings when I get up. He's the onli person i talk to. Would love to wake up with him next to me....give him a wet sloppy kiss....I love just sittin and thinkin bout all the possibilities. I must say tho......Those brit girls must not have any brains...Nick is a rare breed...why would they let him go? Oh well....My Benifit *Smiles* Their loss is my gain. Scarey thing is....I'm startin to get images of marriage....lol.... alwyz said I'd never get married because I wouldn't want a guy to deal with me. Since Nick and i have been talkin...I've noticed...and so have my friends....that I'm not as Bitchy....Moody.....or even depressed like before. Haven't had any cryin jags, Have had onli two cuttin sessions in the past 3wks which is pretty good compared to the fact i used to cut everyday sometimes 4-5 times a day. was sittin on my bed this morning......Be kick ass to get married in a Elvis Wedding chapel...lol...ignore me i'm just rambling. Good thoughts tho....Have 2 stories....usin Nick as the main character....But i'm just too lazy to type'em up....will eventually... ooooo I had the most kick ass dream when I fell asleep yesterday..... Like alright it starts off at skool. 1st hr sittin in Algebra class chattin with Josh. And then like.....In the middle of the class Nick walks in....and He's like you ready to go....And I'm like confused...like alright...what's goin on. And for some reason Molly was in that class with me. And I could hear her sayin somethin like Damn whose that guy or somethin. So like.....I tell Nick.....Wait till class is over and we'll go. And He's like okay......So i guess he went and sat by my locker or somethin. So like at the end of class I took my time....And Like when I get to my locker Molly is hangin around Nick......And I'm like.....He's mine...Go away.....(Don't like that bitch) While I was gettin my bookbag together she's still hangin around. I'm like BITCH Back off! She's like.....Just because you're datin doesn't make him yours. So I was like...You have 1 minute to hall your Happy short ass up them stairs. She doesn't Budge...Decked the Bitch :) That's how it ended....lol......Dream with Nick and me knockin Molly on her ass. Now thats good. Gah.....Well Been checkin out things on girls Self Esteem and stuff online about like Overweight girls in America. Found a few good articles. Ya kno. Girls these days need to realize....That even if you're starving yourself to be thin....You won't be perfect.....You'll still have Imperfections because you're killing yourself! My mom has been on my ass since I was like....5 to lose weight. That's Bullshit. No little kid should have to spend their entire childhood wondering about their weight. Been there done that with Anorexia and Bulimia. Those are fucking curses. Bein paranoid about your next meal how are you gonna throw it up with ppl around or how can you get the food into a white paper cup without anyone noticing. It's insane.......Summer of 03...Durin the Spring i got into starving myself for longer periods of time then I ever had before. first 2wks or so. I was on a High. Full of Energy. Water was the onli thing keeping me going. But After that. Dropped into a deep depression....doin stuff I wouldn't normally do. Was Basically on the verge of killing myself. Then I dropped into Bulimia instead. The High for that lasted longer because I was eating something. Was great tho everytime my jeans got more and more baggyer....I worked harder.....Laps around the Block.....Restricting more....Less Binging and More Purging. My Weight was my obsession that summer. I swam more then I ever had....Ran....Walked...Roller bladed. I wanted to do everything that involved moving. I couldn't even sit still while doin my homework. Would lay on my bed and move my legs back and fourth. I seriously started to think if I didn't move....I'd gain the weight. The Mirror Became my enemy. Then When school started....And slowly started gettin back into the swing of bein lazy. And Now Today I'm startin to see the same thing happening. My mom calls me a fat bitch in the morning.....She's always making comments "You're gonna wear that?" Don't want to have to deal with that Shit. I want to be done with eating disorders.....Was back into Bulimia not to long ago But after a few days of throwing up nothing but blood. Scared me. Tryin not to fall into old patterns. I'm working on beating my cutting addiction....I don't need anymore problems. According to the facts.....The average size for a chick these days is between a 11-14 not... a 0. Keep telling myself that.... Realli sucks being a girl in today's world where Self Image is everything. My Philosophy has alwyz been...and alwyz will be.... "Accept me for who I am....Or Fuck off" Anyways.........Gonna write a few love poems...in the mood...hehe -RaZoR wHoRe- "You're my heart....My Soul....My everything..."