wellz been a few dayz since I posted..........It'z been a odd few dayz I guess u could say....lol.... I feel a lot better then i did before....Still suicidal but the urge isn't so strong at times. Maybe it's lessening its grip? or I'm fighting it off better? I dunno. Wellz letz see. I got a webcam -_- been entertaining myself with that......Newyz....like when i got it. Needed to test it so like yeah I got Suicides (Nick) to view.....and we ended up talking for hourz! lol......Man...he is soooooo fine. It's fun chattin cam2cam when it's with somebody ya like. Reallii think I've fallen in love this time. And it's different. Hard to explain. But I mean it's like. I've never felt this way about some one before......Hell he rates higher then Scott did. What's that tell ya? lol. He's a great guy tho. Such a sweetheart! It'z alwyz the ones who look like real bad asses that are the sweet cuddley kind. Ya kno? Appearence isn't everything -_-.......omg....when I got home from skool today....he sent me two reallii sweet poems......was gonna cry! He knows how to make my day... Whenever i'm on cam. I can't help but smile! lol......And that's odd coming from a suicidal ya kno? He realllii makes me happy......What can I say? lol.....Luv ya Nick!!!!!!!!!!!! Well my parents are reallii fucking pissing me off. My mom is treating katie like a fucking little princess and keeps gettin into fights with me. They alwyz take her side! Gawd. I was fucking here first. Cock suckers. Man. My mom and I are clashing at everything. She's like Quit dressing like a whore....."You look like a slut" "That make up is terrible" "You're a disappointment" FUCK YOU!!!!!!! I will do whatever the fuck I want to. Man they keep this up I'll seriously run away. Can't stand to deal with them. I know that I am a slut. But a Disappointment? She was fucking knocked up before she was married!!!!!!!!!!! And she calls me a slut.......Fuckin' bitch. She wants to see disappointment. I'll drop out of high skool and take off. Ain't much keeping me here. Technically don't have any friends. They're just ppl I associate with. Nothing more then that. And never will be. I'm not the social butterfly who alwyz wantz friends. I do fine just on my own. I've been independant since i was 7 when they made me start babysitting.......So much for having a childhood. I was alwyz the calm good girl. Now I just wanna have a fun time and be my own person. Ya kno? They say the teen years are when you explore and discover things about yourself. So Far things I've learned ain't much besides the fact I'm destined to suicide. And they are pushing me to it. Ya kno what my fucking mother did today? She's like guess where you're going for your birthday. I'm like where? And she's like Seattle!!!! I'm like NO FUCKING WAY. I hate being there. Can't do nothing. And they're the fucking perfect family. I hate ppl like that. I sure as hell ain't goin to see no sportz gamez. That's fuckin Bullshit. I can't miss skool. I'll fail. My mom never does stop to think about that. It'z alwyz what She Wantz......She has to realize....People have fucking lives! I may not have much of one. But I'm a freshmen now. I have projects and Finals and everything else. This ain't Middle skool. No teacher is gonna hand me my homework. I have to get the notes n everything. Fucking Bullshit man. I hate my parentz... Oh then like.....We have to put wilby down *Cries* Because he bit the little fag fucker across the street. So my mom said it's for the best that he be put down to stop and further attacks....That's a human life man....My baby. and then my mom's like well it's up to you....I'm like... I can't make such a Decision! I don't want that on my concious but it dudn't look like I have much say so in the matter. And then Katie already deciding on what she's gonna name her new dog? I'm like WTF!!!!!! He's not even dead yet.... I'm gonna fuckin murder that little bitch. Gawd. I hate little kids well today was the first day of high Skool: It Majorly fuckin' sucked. My locker is down stairz.........n my first class is down stairz.....my 2nd class is across the skool upstairs......it goes back n fourth. I think my English and History teacher are gay lovers -_- they seem like it. I have classes with no one that i reallii kno or am friends with. My teachers probably think I'm a drug addict or sumthin cuz like i wore my sunglasses almost all day. I didn't wanna look at anyone. Just wanted to be left alone. That's the most contact I've had with ppl all summer. I have this thing about being in a large crowd with people. That's what started my Panic attacks last yr. Praying and hoping I won't have to deal with that this year. Then Dallas nearly got my ass busted in Study hall. She grabbed my wrists n was like you're cutting again.... And the Superviser was rite there. I'm like DAMMIT! Gawd........And like I'm the onli girl in my health class which sucks. Then like everyone i said hi to acted reallii rude. Don't have that many cute guyz at skool either. I don't care tho. Tell ya the truth. I've never had much of an interest in wanting to date any of my classmates. I dunno why. It's like.... I just can't see them that way. Probably cuz I've known most since Kindergarden. And reallii Dating doesn't have that much appeal to me. Never did. I look more outside for potential mates more then anything. But then again I think it's bullshit that mothers teach they're daughters that they have to get married and have kids. That's total fucking BS. Chicks should be able to do whatever the hell they want. I'm not sure what exactly direction my life is going in right now. I have no future planz or goals. i'm just taking things as they come. It's pointless to sit n plot every little move you're going to make in the future. You only have today. Live it.Ya kno? I'm not gonna say rite now "Oh I'm going to such n such College" Can't say anything for sure. When Scott left. All my dreams of moving to Texas and going to HU vanished. Can't count on things to turn out like you plan. I learned that the hard way. I'll never plan anything years in Advance. Maybe a week? But nothing more.......They say if you can dream it........It's possible. That's BullShit. People need to stop filling today's kids with false hopes. And they wonder why the fucking teen suicide rate is up? You tell us....Life is great......BULL FUCKING SHIT. Life is for shit. Ppl need to realize that. Well letz see........Dunno what else to put.......Not much else has reallii happened other then that..........I've decided tho I don't have parentz.... Just a sperm Donnor and a Surogate mother. They don't fucking own me. They don't claim me. They can kiss my ass! Mother fuckin cock suckers. Newyz....that's enuff for now RaZoR wHore