I fucking hate myself..... Man I posted on SS about all my issues. I am having a lot of porblems lately....Last Night I cried myself to sleep. I was thinking about Scott....I realize that this Friendship that we want to last forever won't... Really I love him...More then anyone I've ever known. It's fun to think about what it would be like if we lived together or were close friends that lived near each other. It'll never happen. As much as I would like it too...it'll never be reality. I love him...hell Sometimes I joke with my friends and say I'm gonna marry him someday. But I'll never get married. I'm destined to a life of Lonliness. I couldn't put any guy thru that hell.....I mean what guy wants to marry a chick that...(I made a list) 1. Spends her nights crying 2. Gets suicidal everytime something goes wrong 3. Constantly OD's because she wants to see how the drugs will react 4. Attempting everything that is a risk to her well being 5. A girl that is covered in scars from head to toe.....The little White and Pink lines. Words carved into her skin 6. No Ambition....No Energy 7. Hates herself with a passion 8. Cuts herself.....Locking herself in the bathroom daring herself to press down hard enough 9. Who can't deal with their weight...having it go up and down... 10. Some one that Purges whenever they have the chance 11. Who starves herself just for self control 12. whose afraid everytime a stranger gets near 13. Deathly Afraid of Rejection NO Guy wants to deal with that!!!!!!!!!!!! He'd have to be fucking nuts! Most guys want a tall thin girl that dresses in the latest fashions, Whose sweet and friendly. That has that innoccent look like the girls in Porn vids....I'll never measure up to that. No one wants me..... Gawd now I'm having all these fucking issues with that happened when I was 6. I try to keep those memories far away....They're just to painful But suddenly its just haunting me. I can see everything clearly just like a Video tape playing over and over in my mind. It's scarey....I dunno....I wanna tell Scott about it....But how would be react? I dunno.....I'm going to hide under my covers now...