Struggling between the thought of living and dying...Of suicide and help. Lost and clueless. I didnt get up till one today, Went to bed at 5. I think nothing really registered with me this morning when I was talking to scott but now it all has. I reread the convo and it's like I really am Lost. I love him so much...if only he knew. I want to tell him everything, About how I feel, About it all....But I just Can't. I don't know why. I almost told him everything yesterday on his voicemail but I caught myself and switched topics really fast. I know he really wants to help. He wanted to call yesterday...I think he kinda flipped though when he realized my intentions. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone on the phone though....I just want the silence. Tell ya the truth I dunno why it's like this.....Just a week ago I was laughing at myself and talking to all my friends in the hallway....Messing with Melissa and her homophobia. Suddenly now, I don't even want people to look at me. I wear my hood up...yesterday when i was walkin to white Hen i kept my hood up the entire time. Maybe I'll get lucky and I won't see a car and it'll hit me...Could I get so lucky. I don't want to leave the house. I just want to stay in the dark.... Don't want any contact with anyone. Thank god I don't have one of those hug happy families. I really dunno what I'm going to do tho. I don't want to kill myself over all of this but I can't bring myself to ask for help either. I tried it before and My parents just went off on me. I admit it I NEED HELP there I said it....I'll never say that to anyone's face though.... If only Mr. Cronkite were still the counseler. I was making Progress, I trusted him and he leaves....no email addy to keep in contact or anything. He's like every other person i've ever met... They say Hi how ya doin, Spend a few months talkin to ya and just up and leave, And people wonder why I have problems with rejection..hmmmm Then this shit with Sara, This "If you say this I'll ruin you" shit really brings back memories from back in the day when I use to hang with Molly, Kacey, Vinnie and them. We use to do that all the time. When some one pissed you off you told everyone their buisness. I thought that since I was in Middle school that all the Elementry shit was over with...I guess Not. All this makes me wonder about High School...I don't want to do anything. I picked German class...It's gonna be hard. I can't handle any more stress.... Females are suppose to be able to be the leaders...At least according to my mom. I'll never make it in the real world. I really still can;t believe that I had that convo with Scott...I know he was tryin to cheer me up with the Handcuff and Venice ideas but I dunno, It's just like I'm too far gone. I don't think I'll bounce back this time. Really I honestly love him. He's the reason I'm still here. I look forward to talking with him everyday but just lately its changed. Dragged to far down in the ocean to come up and breath...The tide is dragging me away and I can't get free. No life saver can save me at this point....Just so damned depressed.... Sux being in love and suicidal at the same time.... I'm done typin my wrists are killin me (Damn Razor blades!) Peace Out