I swear to fucking god some people are onli alive because it is illegal to kill them......I want to slit antonio's throat and put his balls in the blender and make him eat them! Gawd. he's such a fucking jackass, trying to interfear in my love life once again. I think he loves the fact that he controls when i see Ryan. And i fucking hate it. He can liek honest to god kiss my ass. I fucking defended him last week when my friends wanted to kick his ass and I said no b/c he was liek a little brother to me. I defend him all the time. But now? Hey fuck him he can just fuck off. I'm not gonna act nice to him. I'm tired of his bullshit. It's been over a year and i still put up with him. I can guarentee by the end of high skool i will not be talking to his ass. I have documented papers and convos of everytime he's pissed me off.....first two times He apolgized then I had to. And not by choice either. All because Ryan wanted me too....meh....fucking gay.....Then i told Ryan i would throw antonio to the wolves next time i got a chance, and he's liek well i would take his side even if its against you.....ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!! I AM THE GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND!!!!! He should be on my side no matter what.....But hey then where do i rate? I don't even know anymore. Who knows If I mean anything.......Maybe he's just with me till he finds some one better. who knows anymore. Sometimes it's liek i dont even know Him.....He's changed....Is he even the Ryan I once knew? I'm so confused, I don't know anything. I should kill myself and get it over with......Dontcha think? 16yrs i think is more then long enough to decide if i want to live or die. Fuck college, fuck the future. I never had one and i never will. Maybe I am meant to die at this age and im just avoiding it.....goddammit why couldn't lolletta hit me hard enough to kill me? was death trying to tell me something by that attack? Liek come on and die already its your time? I reallii dont believe in ur name being in a book when its time to die. I think deep down we know when its time to die and we take fate into our own hands, when we ignore deaths call, onli then are we taken against our will......Maybe I should go willingly....Save myself the trouble and the person who assists in my death the grief. If I do it on my own then I am the sole one to blame....no one...else....just me....because it will have been done by my own hand... Whiskey Lullaby is a great song.....About love and suicide....ah...the two words that are constantly on my mind. Just liek the poem I wrote....funny how it always comes up.....like its about my life....well it pretty much is....Love and Suicide come together hand in hand. when you cant deal with the love b/c its hurting you, you just end it, so you can never be hurt again. Life is all about pain. How much we can endure is what determinds our life span....And I've yet to figure out how long mine is gonna be......Will my grave say 89-05 or 06? I dont know....and it scares me....before death was imminent....i knew it was coming, and that I would finally be able to rest for good.....And liek now im stuck living, struggling for breath....because life is hard for those who arent use to living for the future....its easier just to die for the day. And its so much harder for me to admit what i'm going through. Because I shouldn't be hurting. I'm in love....Why am I in pain then? I cant stand the way my brain is wired....fuckin drives me insane. LITERATTLY! GAWD DAMMIT......I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I HATE EVERYONE.... fuck boys....i should turn lesbian....my life is damn near pointless. I lead a meek existance....breathing polluted air, taking up meaningless space.....Maybe i should make all my enemies happy and go die......Maybe I will.....Slash my wrists....write a letter to Ryan in blood and pass out in my own sorrows.....