How much longer can I last on this earth? I'm still drinkin mah beer mixed with Strawberry Passion pop and diet coke. I am tired of living. I am tired of fighting for what little happiness I can salvage....The only time I ever feel happy is like when Scott says I love you.he's the greatest. I wonder where I'd be rite now if I hadn't met him...My guess is 6ft below. Everything I see reminds me of him somehow. I have dreams about going to Disney land with him and gettin his ass on Tower of Terror. Or going to Six flags and Going on V2 or Batman or something. Even just going to Starbucks for a coffee would be great....My Ultimate....whats da word not fantasy but not dream either....well whatever.... My favorite thought is.... Spending a nice day staying at the Beach. Watching the sunset, holding hands. Just being close. The beauitful white sandy beaches.....Maybe throwing water at each other. Course hell I wouldnt mind just spending a few hours with him in his Apartment, Watchin movies and getting take out. Ya kno. I love him so much, I feel like nothing could come between us. yeah I kno we've had our ups and downs. But no matter what, We've always been there for each other. I know that I can always call him and tell him whatever I want and he won't tell anyone. I trust him more then anyone. I can overlook his weird quirks. He's Unique. Thats why I love him. He can act himself and not give a damn whose watching. He stands up for what he believes in. And He's such a sweetheart. I wish that he could see how I truly feel about him. 2days ago, he said "I Love you always and forever" and I broke down in tears. He's the only person to ever say those things and I know he means it. He's the best.......I know that with his talent and intelligence he's gonna do something for the net or make good money in stocks. he knows what he's doing. he has things figured out. But.....2yrs....And we've still managed to hold on to that love. Only now I feel myself slipping from its grip. There's not much hope left in my life. He's the only ray of sunshine that shines through. Every morning before skool I talk to him and he cheers me up and everyday after I get home he listens to me bitch and gives advice. He has never once complained about what I've had to say. He just sits there quietly and listens. But like now I feel like I'm all alone. Like this darkness has seperated me from him. I hate that feeling. I Love him, I want to be able to talk to him and actually be myself. No I just sit here and pretend to be happy. I want to tell him that I'm planning on committing suicide. I know he'd get upset. He always lays the guilt trip on which I totally hate. I told him if he ever commits suicide then I will join him. Hell I'd run away and we could do it together. I would die for him........One thing he said to me like last year....was That he'd give his life to make mine longer and painless....How many guys would say that and mean it? He's an Angel. I'd gladly die for him if I kne that he would be happy. He has so much potential, so much talent. And what do I have? Nothing.....Nothing to live for. No talent. Nothing. Dammit if only I could talk to him about all this. But I don't want to bring him down. Last time he said that if I committed suicide then he would follow. I don't want to be responsible for another person's death...Ya kno? I Fucking Love him!!!!!!!!!! I need to pull myself out of my hole and try to clear the darkness. If only I could......Gawd maybe I'll talk to Scott....I dunno....I'm gonna finish mah beer and go to bed. Finished most of my HW...Go me! -_-