Tis life be but a dream......and death the wake up call? Doesn't it seem like when you give up on yourself...Almost everyone else does as well except for the few friends who promise to be there till the end...Deciding whether to live or to die is the hardest decision to make because it affects not only you but those around you. Do you think more of others or yourself? I look at my sister and can't help but think....If i do it now.......8yrs from now will she too follow in my footsteps? I've onli had my friends but if I'm gone she'll have no one....As much as she annoys the fuck out of me. She is still my sister. Then there's the fact of killing all potential life....I've always said I've never wanted kids....but hey who knows. if things got better and I married i'd love to have kids.....as evil as I'm sure they'd be... If I killed myself....I would kill my eggs and possibly the children I would then never have. That child could have a chance to do great things..Or the possibility of triggering more suicides. I am sure I am not the only suicidal at my skool...If i did it wouldn't it seem so much easier for them to go too? It's a chain reaction. So to live with the pain and ideation till i can fight it off for good? It seems so hard, mentally exhausting and draining. Maybe there is the light ahead and the fog is just covering it or I don't want to see it? I don't know. This is such a hard choice. It's impossible to put your life on hold So i have to make this decision soon. It scares me ya kno. I don't want to have this power. At this point I wouldn't mind being locked in a padded room or strapped down to a bed So i'd have no choice but to live....The docs would make that decision for me. So many people have that "My life is mine to take" attitude but its like being so unsure and scared of yourself. This is soooo hard..... So many people say do it... You always talk about it now get up the balls and just fuckin do it. Hell even Josh told me to slit my wrists. This is a guy from skool!!! It's like I feel that I've overstayed my welcome among the living. There's only three peopl that have kept me from permanetly deciding, Nick, Scott and Allan. I love you guys more then anything, You're always there for me. In a way I am Thankful that just thinking of ya'll has helped me keep some ground on sanity. Ya kno...this is weird. I've always pushed people to give life a chance yet i can't push myself to it. I can give others hope yet I have none myself. All these feelings, Weighing pros and cons makes it so confusing. For once I am so lost....I don't know what to do..... AMZ aka /