ah well stayed the night at My grandma's.....was soooooo fucking boring but nice to get away from home. Helped sort estate papers n gay stuff.....South park the movie was on!!!!! so yeah....that kept me entertained. omg....had the greatest dream. Like at 2:30am was startin to drift....and like.... It was great... Starts off....walkin into a bar (or Pub as nick would say) and like...have no idea why I'm there....And there's a bunch of dude's playin pool. And I spot Nick waitin for his turn. You kno me....Walked rite over to him. "Hi" lol...can remember every little detail. So like it goes on....he's surprised....duh.....who wouldn't be. So like Nick hailed a cab...and we were back at his place. Made myself rite at home on the Sofa. And we like talked for hours. Birdie just sat and chirped at me. hehe.......Now I won't go into the sexual details..... *Smiles* Letz just say...I woke up with my teddy bear in my tank top :| was great tho....woke up Smiling. My grandma was like....some one had a good dream....Hell yes! lol....Should rite out the entire thing into a story.....Make a good romance novel. heh.... Then like yeah when my mom came to get me we got into it. You Look like a fucking whore! I'm like WTF? I was wearin my black tank top with Grey pj pants and my converse and my hoodie tied around my waist. No make up or anything. and she's like just wait till you get married. Your husband is gonna be an abusive drunk. I'm like just because You married one of the biggest fuck ups in Burnham doesn't mean I will. She's so fucking paranoid. Just because She fucked herself over doesn't mean I will. I don't plan on marrying some one whose abusive or who hides the paycheck. No. I'm goin for something better. If I live to see adulthood. I swear I am not fucking it up. For one. I am moving out of this fucking state. I'm NOT going to Purdue or Notre Dame. Nope....No fucking way. I'll move to California...Texas.....Even thought about movin to a whole different continent. Australia or Somewhere in Europe would be nice. But I am NOT stayin in IL. Have no idea what my career plans are. I'll eventually figure that out. But right now that's not on my list. Gettin thru the next three years is what I'm worried about. That is gonna be the hardest thing. The nights spent alone. Knowing I have a sharp butcher knife under my bed. And a shitload of pills....Blood thinners....Cancer drugs....All kinds of shit. I found some marine rope the other day. I can do it sooooo easily. But now I want to fight. My mom keeps fucking downing me. I'm gonna fuckin prove her ass wrong. I'll do better then she ever thought. All I have to do is overcome the suicidal urges. In a way I feel like there is no survival. Like Just am too far gone to survive at this point. Just hopelessness.....But I'm still willing to put up a fight. I know if i make it. It's gonna be hard without the help of meds or anything. But if I make it. Maybe I can make people more aware about Self Injury and the Pro-choice suicide Movement. Ya kno? World needs to be educated and learn to quit fuckin tryin to hide things. We are NOT a perfect nation. People suffer from SI....the shame...the guiltyness. Some one needs to do something. Why not it be me? ya kno. Not everyone elses life needs to be hell. Maybe I'll be a survivor story....or become a suicide statistic. I don't kno. The next three years will lay the ground for my future. Have thought about running away as one of my options besides suicide. But reallii there isn't any place to go. I wouldn't want to get anyone else in trouble for aidding and abetting a run away...thats a felony. Couldn't do that to anyone ya kno? I love my friends to much for that. Oh while I was bitchin at my mom. She said if i could find a better family then I should move out....It's like hmmm...lol....don't think it hasn't crossed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol.......Would be nice to get out of this hell hole. Thought about doing an exchange student program but my mom refuses to pay the 4 thousand for it. My fuckin sister's skoolin cost 5 thousand per grade Plus the cost of uniforms and everything else. My skoolin costs 175 bucks.....and she doesnt buy me clothes or anything. Cheap Bitch. Katie may be my sister. But that kid is gonna be standin on the corner by the time she's 14. Hate to say it but it's true. My mom already fucked her up at an earlier age.......... If i ever get married......Am sooooooooooooo going by my husbands last name. Can hide that way.....haha.......don't ever wanna spend another holiday with my parents after I turn 18...never ever ever ever ever ever. 3 fucking years.....will I make it? The question I await the answer for... RaZoR wHoRe "As a child I was told that I was destined to be nothing.....Growing wild as I got older I fulfilled what had been said....Hiding ignorance and fear I prayed nobody saw me bluffing......But I was laying the foundation for a future I would dread..."