Ever feel like a self destruct button has been pushed and you just want to kill yourself in any way possible that is at hand yet something pulls you back? Thats how it is for me right now.... I have such the urge to slit my wrists. I know I could do it deep enough but 1. My parents are home so chances are I'd be found. and 2. Need something more full proof. Everytime I get this feeling I hold back. it's coming more and more often. Smiling is fooling most ppl well technically all. Most don't pay attention enough to notice something is wrong. My friends all think I'm doin better since Nick is back. Tellin ya its amazing how smiling and crackin jokes can throw people off. It's like no one can read eyes. I watch ppl in the hallway and can tell how their feeling just by lookin at their eyes. Oddness suddenly just got a chill. "Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down I cry for help but no ones around Silently screaming as a bang my head against the wall seems like no one cares at all" No lyrics more truer to how I feel then those. They say death is with us from Birth waiting for the second he can take us. Why the hell as he deserted me? "Suicidal Failure" my theme song....man It's like Death doesnt want us, He tosses us aside for us to live in pure misery. My onli relief is when I talk to Nick......the one true light of my life.... Oh get this one. Friday at skool. This chick....Carol or whatever her name is she's my 2nd cousin and she's a sophmore she comes up to me in the 500 hallway and was like "You never smile" I'm like yeah your point is. And then she's like you always wear long sleeves so i told her to fuck off and quit spyin for my uncle. She looked at me like OMG and i gave her the finger as I walked off. Let that Bitch tell my uncle that. The Fuckin nosey bastard, He always wants to kno my grades n shit. He's tryin to come up with a list of reasons of why my parents should let me live with them in Seattle. I swear to fucking god I'd last 2 days there then tie myself a noose and hang myself in the forest that runs thru their subdivision. Couldn't handle that. i'd love to run away from home........find a new life....But I can't. Don't have anywhere to go. Besides wouldn't risk gettin anyone busted for aiddin and abetting a runaway. I can already feel myself in the stage where nothing can truly hold me back tho. I can feel myself lettin go to the edge of sanity i've held onto for so long. I reallii don't know what I'm going to do. Hate this.......Goddammit if I lived on my own this would be so much easier. Guess I'll just continue doing what I've been doing. Sittin' back with my razorblade close by chillin'