Gawd...........I So Badly fucking hate my parents. I got up at noon with a killer headache. Just wanted to be left alone. All my parents did was argue all morning. Fucking drove me nuts. Anyways My mom was like we're goin to Meijers. So I put on my Black tie down shirt, n my black jeans n stuff. And she fucking said I looked like a whore! I'm like WTF. She's always bitching about my make up. Man. I'm not changing for anyone....So like when she was gettin to leave she was pissed she had to go by herself and she got in my face and said I was nothing but a whore. I'm like jeeze.....my Self esteem just hit a few notches down. I mean I am her fuckin daughter and she calls me that. Gawd....I hate that bitch with a passion Swear...Not meant to have a decent life. Just all gonna be non-stop hell. I wanted to visit Australia or London for a student exchange program for a Semester but my mom said she won't pay for it.....Grrrrr....I need to get away. Skool starts Wednesday. Not lookin forward to it. Then again.....I get to get away from home. Guess it won't be so bad. I'll probably have to leave at 7:30am every day cuz I aint a fast walker. I'm walkin the first day with sara and then after that. I'll just stay to myself. Don't want social contact. Don't want ppl near me. It's bad enough i get Anxiety reallii bad whenever a black dude walks near me. I'm not racist it's just because from when i was 11. And then like yeah I have a lot of pervs at my skool. Man got my fuckin eye liner runnin' down my cheeks and I had it on good and even. Fuck it. Don't kno why I even try anymore. No point at all. It's not like anyone even notices. People just walk past me......Maybe I need to walk around in a Tshirt with 200 cutz on my arms....Would they notice me then? Am nothing But a slut Or thats what you all say Am I Guilty>? I don't know So I wear black I don't wear low cut shirts So I wear a lot of eye liner What's the crime in that? I like to bring out my eyes Yet you take one look That's so Whoreish Excuse me It's my style Guess I am a Slut then Guess I deserve everything I get Life's a bitch Grim reaper can come get me at any time. I'm not gonna Kick and scream. I'll go quietly.....And Oddly enough.....i'm listening to this song.... "I Will Not Go Quietly" by Don Henley....I Love the lyrics....I used to feel that way....but not anymore... Woke up with a heavy head And I thought about leavin' town I could have died if I wanted to- Slipped over the edge and drowned But, oh no baby, I won't give up so easy Too many tire tracks in the sands of time Too many love affairs that stop on a dime I think it's time to make some changes 'round here Yeah, I'm gonna tear it up gonna trash it up I'm gonna round it up gonna shake it up Oh, no, baby, I will not lie down I'm brave enough to be crazy I'm strong enough to be weak I see all these heroes with feet of clay Whose mighty ships have sprung a leak And I want you to tell me darlin' Just what do you believe in now? Well, c'mon over here baby You 'bout to gimme a heart attack I wanna wrap my lovin' arms Around the small of your back Yeah, and I'm gonna pull you, pull you, pull you Pull you right up close to me Yeah we're gonna tear it up we gonna trash it up gonna round it up gonna shake it up Oh, no no no, I will not lie down Turn this thing around I will not go quietly I will not lie down I will not go quietly I will not lie down I will not go quietly I will not lie down I will not lie down Well, don't you ever get lonely? Don't you ever get down? Don't you ever get tired Of all the wicked tongues in this town? Of, baby, I just wanna take you away from here I ain't no tiger I ain't no little lamb Suppose you tell me mama Who do you think I think I am? And ooh baby, don't you give a damn? Yeah, I'm gonna tear it up gonna trash it up gonna round it up gonna rip it up I will not lie down Yeah I'm gonna tear it up gonna trash it up gonna round it up gonna shake it up Oh baby I will not lie down Turn this thing around I will not go quietly I will not lie down I will no go quietly I will not lie down I will not lie down This time tho....I'm ready to lay down....I'm ready to leave. one can only fight for so long before they give up because of the exhaustion. Seems like the onlii light in my life have vanished. ******************************************** TO: Scott Scott......Gawd.....I wish you wouldn't have left.....I Loved you.....and I still do. You fucked me over. Why couldn't you have just talked things out with me? I Just wanted you to like me. Obviously it worked or we wouldn't have stayed in touch for nearly three years. I pop onto my HITW addy now and then just to see if you're still there. It's so painful. I close my eyes and everytime I see you. Those used to be dreams. Now there nightmares. Thinkin' of you used to give me hope. That SOME ONE out there CARED. Now it's just fuel for me to kill myself. Knowing that You cared for the girl in the picture. Not me. And that hurts. I Spent my dayz thinkin of all the fun times we coulda had together hangin out or doin stuff. But NO.....Guess not. That will never Happen.... WHY? Because I FUCKED UP. I ADMIT it....I'm SORRY..........God...and this all went down....What? 3 wks ago.....And I'm still lickin' my wounds.........Guess I reallii am a Sad excuse for a person.... ************************************* Been wantin to get that out for sometime. I don't care if he reads it or not......This song reminds me of myself I guess.......Maybe I'm just self centered.... "Not enough Love in the world" Sometimes I wonder where it is love goes I don't know if even Heaven knows But I know you had some dreams that didn't quite come true And now I'm not the one, little girl, who's keeping you I was either standing in your shadow or blocking your light Though I kept on trying I could not make it right For you girl- There's just not enough love in the world I know people hurt you so bad They don't know the damage they can do, and it makes me so sad- How we knock each other down just like children on a playground Even after that ol' sun went down- I was either standing in your shadow or or blocking your light Though I kept on trying I could not make it right For you girl- There's just not enough love in the world Oh darlin', this is still a shady little town And sometimes it's so hard to smile- For the world, for the camera- And still have something left You don't have to prove nothin' to nobody Just take good care of yourself I'm not easy to live with- I know that it's true You're no picnic either, babe And that's one of the things I loved about you But a time will come around when we need to settle down Got to get off this merry-go-round I was either standing in your shadow or blocking you're light Though I kept on trying I could not make it right For you girl- There's just not enough love in the world No Song ever more true.........Destined a loveless Shitty existance... If there is a god.....he is one cruel mother fucker..How could he do this to people? Why make them suffer? And they say it's a sin to commit suicide. it shouldn't be. With the shit people go through. They shouldn't be condemned. They Should be blessed. They did what we couldn't do. They got tired of it all. Maybe I just see it this way Because I understand. But I don't think Suicide should be a taboo. I mean hell the Christians and Catholics used Mass suicide way back when to enforce their religion. Showing they would die for their god. Well we're dying for our suffering. We're not much different. They died to get their religion known. We're dying to show how much pain we've suffered that was unknown. Maybe i am just rambling on here. but that's how I feel on that..... Well....I'm lost...I dunno....I just feel like I need to keep typing. Feel so much pain. It hurts. Oh then....I found out.....I haven't had my period in two months. I was told by the doc. Even if I skipped the dummy pills I'd still have some spotting the 2nd week. And I've had ....Nothing..... Confused on that. Dunno what to do..... Gawd......Just want to grab a fuckin blade right about now.....Slash down hard and deep......Just watch the blood......everything........I fuckin' hate myself.... Think I've typed enuff i guess.... RaZoR wHoRe