Darkness.....No Light....Spiraling downwards to what is hell...Nothing to hang on to...No light.....Nothing....feelings of numbness over take Yesterday was one of the longest nights I've spent alone. Allan and Nick stayed up and talked to me. Allan: Thank you for being there for me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, Love ya. Ever get to the point where there's so much emotional pain that you actually flinch because it hurts so bad? I've caught myself doing that a lot. Hurts so bad to the point where even cutting doesn't even scratch it. Like everything has just come at once. Hell man I just got up like what......half hour ago... I walked down stairs to get somethin to munch on and a bottle of aspirin. Not even half way down the stairs and my dad told me i looked like a slut cuz my shirt is so low cut! I'm like WTF I slept in the clothes I wore yesterday.....And the Shirt is missing the string that ties up...So of course it looks slutty but damn Just got up don't wanna hear that. I said fuck you under my breath and he heard me and came like 2 inches of me and started yelling right in my face " Don't ever fucking talk to me like that or I'll knock you on your ass" Lovely to wake up to eh. Seems like the only place i can have any sanctuary is online. People on here know who i am and still accept me. If only the people around here were like that. Like Sara and Aaron and Ashley. They know some things but not a lot. I don't tell people much anymore. Not since those damn mind games Sara was playin with me. I don't deal with that Gossip shit. Can't trust anyone. Short list of people I actually trust Allan Nick Adam Aaron- to a point anyways....He tells Ashley everything tho 4 guys. That's it. Funnii how I've been fucked over by men my entire life. But yet I only confide in them. Dunno what it is. Maybe it's because females react more differently. They can't handle it? Dunno. Just find it so much easier talkin to guyz. Like back when Mr. Cronkite was a counseler at HMS. I could tell him some things. Nothing that could directly get my ass in any trouble....but just a little bit. When the new bitch came couldn't talked to her about anything. I cannot look a chick in the face and tell her stuff. Just can't. Last night I slept on the floor. Hurt so bad. Had my knees pulled up to my chest...just sat there crying. Tryin to play it off. Deny that these feelings don't exist when I know they do. I want to believe they aren't there. Everyday....Same thing.... Get up... wonder if I can kill myself today....Talk to Nick....Get dressed.....day goes on. Everytime I am somewhere I look to see if there is anythign accessible. Nick and I were talkin about that yesterday. his prefered Method was Jumping. I'm not reallii sure what Mine is. I mean Barb-wire and Rope would be one. But since my dad got the Speedboat don't have access to the barb-wire. Wouldn't mind a massive od and just pass out and go peacefully. Thought about the OD with the bag over head for suffocation. Gun Maybe? If I had the gun....I'd do it in the forest preserve in the off trails so it would take a few days to be found. Wouldn't mind doing it in the Living room....and before hand cutting myself...and writing "FUCK YOU" on the wall in blood and then doing it. That would be great. Piss my mom off. She'd be more worried about the carpet then the fact her daughter just blew herself into pieces. but that's just how she is. Then there's always the trains.... But they don't go by as fast anymore. Allan suggested Decapitation by wheel.....but eh....Dunno. Jumping always is a open idea since I live nothing but some odd miles from Chicago. I do have access to some decently height buildings. Feel sorry for the fucker I land on. So many suicide methods out there. Guess I am just one to want to plan things. Every detail. hell maybe If i can manage to make it the next three years. take myself a nice trip to Venice or Paris... tour the sites.. Make sure to ditch all things that could link me to my family and off myself in the hotel room. Not a bad idea actually. Only way I could make it to 18 is if i stay in a permanent Disassociate state. And I hate that. Whenever I'm around a large group of guys just immediately go like that. I don't mind it but I can't see myself being like that all the time. People for the past few days have been telling with me to deal with it..... My questions to you You're telling me to deal with it.... Do you know what it's like to be raped? To be molested by some one you looked up to? To be threatened on a daily basis? To sit at night crying wanting to die? To know you can't trust anyone about your secrets To be fucked over by nearly everyone in your life? To live in total darkness......Waiting for it to subside yet it never does To know your parents only had you because the condom broke Fuck you people. You don't know what it's like. So don't fucking tell me to deal with it. Don't piss off a suicidal...... Suicide could easily become a Murder-Suicide specially if you fuck with me. And That's not a threat it's a promise. Still dealing with the thoughts of the rape and molestation. I know I should try to forget...But I can't. The terror is still there. And it probably always will be. I'm so back ass backwards it's insane. Fucked over by guys...yet I trust them. Rape and Molested and yet still will fuck any guy who asks......talk about being a fuck up. My mom was right. that's all I am. Just a Fuck up. Guess in a way i deserve all this. Asked for it in one way or another or it wouldn't have happened. I'm Amazed the Panic attacks haven't started up again. Been havin problems with those since that one night my dad got wasted and pinned me down on the couch and beat the shit out of me. Gawd... I rememeber in the hallways at skool wanting to stay 5ft away from anything and everyone. The shaking....The Cold sweats.....the paranoia. Hope they don't return but my luck within a few days they shall be back. Can feel it. 3 more years of dealing with this. Could be put on meds I suppose if I pressed enough. Then again. A daughter on Anti-depressants would shame my mother because don't you know. It reflects on her! No fucking kidding...Bitch. Wouldn't get on meds anyways. Don't like the idea of something making me feel like a zombie. Honestly tho. I can't see myself in 3yrs.....can't see myself making it through next year. There's just no future. Just darkness. Can only fight so much before the mental exhaustion sets in. Call me a coward if you wish. I don't care anymore. Can't deal with the pain. Only time it seems to lessen is when i'm talking to Nick or Allan or Any memebers of my SI site. Those few minutes......I'm thankful for. but it doesn't last.....Seems like nothing does. Confusion is becoming more thicker then before. Getting to the point where can't even see out of it. Certain things don't make sense anymore and it's scarey. As the days go on. Get more confused at the slightest things and understand less......So clueless. Just want to lay down and die.... Emotional Pain.....Is Hell RaZoR wHoRe