Man I'm so depressed. My wrists hurt so fuckin bad. I'm such a dumbass and I still feel like cuttin..........I Love the pain. I've been doin' a lot of thinkin. Ya kno.....like what do I honestly want in a guy. It seems like everyone just thinxs a chix lot in life is to get married.....Get a job and have kids. Ya kno? I don't want that. I don't want kids. Couldn't put any child through hell....Marriage? I don't kno anymore. 3wks ago I was so sure I had found the love of my life. But I guess I wasn't his perfect girl. Oh well....Ya never kno when it comes to people. He fell in love with a picture. Not me. I can live with that. Took me awhile but I'm pretty sure I'm over it. I called his voice mail for the last time yesterday. He can't find the time to call me but he can hang in a chat. Fine I know his Priorities. Fuck Him. But like now....it's like I dunno. Bein with Bob has realli made me think. The last time we met up while he was drivin. i had my head resting on his shoulder. And it's Like this is what a relationship is. I want a guy that we can go to the movies together and see a horror film....and he'll hold me close on the scarey parts....Ya kno? Past years No one touches me. I've always hated being touched for quite obvious reasons. But Suddenly I just wanna be acknowledged. Touched. So that I know I'm still there. No one ever hugs me. I feel so unwanted at times but do I ever let on? No. I just sit there quitely. Like durin family occassions when everyone meets up. No one even looks at me. I feel like such a freak. No one wants me around and I know it. Makes it hard to think about the future. Like do I have one? Sometimes I reallii sit and wonder at night when I have the blade in hand.....Will this be the night I decide fuck the future? So confusing at times. And now with High skool.....I dunno. It's like. A whole new environment. New People. And New cutters. It's so easy for me to talk about it on the phone and online but in person? I freeze up. My parents never let me talk about my feelings so like I don't know how to react when people actually want to listen. It's I dunno. Gawd. And like Now I keep thinkin about when I was 6. Maybe that's why now I don't want to date guys my age. Cuz when it happened Joe was like...... 11 maybe? I don't kno. can't reallii remember. I can just sit and think tho about that night. When George and my dad decided they were goin to a bar and that Joe could watch Nick and me. I mean come on. We were all just kids. I don't know if I can reallii blame Joe. Maybe he was just curious about Sexuality? I was young. Stupid and wanted to play those damn drums. Maybe if I had kept my mouth shut. Maybe nothing would have ever happened. I've had this blocked out for so long......Ya kno. I mean like in the past years few times I've thought of it But never reallii remembered it. But ever since Mr. Saia got us to play the drums. It's been down hill. That totally triggered everything. I've never been near drums since I was 6 and when he made us take that test. I froze. I failed it. I got up there and couldn;t concentrate. It just kept playin in my mind. And then yesterday.....It was like experiencing it again. I felt every little pain...The fear....The tears.....The dirty feeling...... I've forgiven Nick. Only seen him a handfull of times since that but like I'm sure I can forgive Joe. There's just one person I can't forgive: My father. I told Him everything that night. And the son of a bitch told me to shut the fuck up and never speak of it again! He was drunk....I was young. I was scared. i wanted to be hugged. to be comforted. Wanted to know that some one loved me and believed me. He called me a liar and everything. My mom forbid me to ever go over there. And some times I still kick myself for opening my mouth. If I hadn't maybe things would be different. I don't realli kno. Maybe that experience triggered other things in my life. Cause and affect ya kno? I'm confused tho.................. Wonder if that's my lot in life is to just be confused and have no fuckin idea on what's goin on.......I'm soooooo lost rite now