gawd....another day I can't see Ryan....why am i not surprised? I'm so used to disappointment it seems....I miss him so much....i feel so lonely.....so depressed when i can't see him....onli time im ever happy is when i see him. I feel the walls are closing in on me again.....im falling....but will i be able to pick myself up again? I always wonder.....usually i can pick myself up and go on but i don't kno about this time. The depression is pretty severe and it scares me. I hate being a danger to myself, but i feel liek i have no control over it. Every time i've snapped its liek some other personality takes over. Its liek im watching myself from another place.....Disassociating i guess. and I reallii hate that. i always have. I wish Ryan was here....I always feel so safe with him. he truly is my angel.....at night when suicide is constantly on my mind.....i think of him and try to push the thoughts away. Life has always been 2 roads that cross a lot-Love and Suicide. to me....those are the onli two paths in life. months ago i decided to give love a chance, and i must say, its the best choice ive ever made in my life........after all....I met Ryan... ya kno last night i was thinkin. okay Antonio is a spoiled little bitch. its obvious he wants ry to himself because he's soooo posessive over him. Lauren says Antonio was the same way out there. Much as i hate antonio (and dear god trust me i do) i'd never make Ry choose between antonio and me. Because I realize Antonio is liek a brother to him.....and well....im just the girlfriend. I think chances are he'd prolly pick Antonio over me, because Antonio is his liek onli other good friend next to joey and he can hang out with them at any time and he can't hang out with me. so for the best....ill never make him pick....because...1. i dont want to lose him 2. i think itd just be wrong to make him choose liek that, gawd i have a killer headache.....can some one please just shoot me point blank? i'd reallii appreciate it!!!!! grrrness.... well i guess im done updating for now....im sure ill update later -former razor whore-