Earlier today.....was in one of the best moods i've ever been in. Happily chatting with Nick. Messing around. And hell...now just a few hours later, Thinkin of killing myself. My mom and I got into it again. About the whole fucking Seattle trip. I do NOT want to fucking spend my birthday in Seattle. I hate them people. They're like the perfect family. Maybe I'm just jealous but I hate being around them.....My mom doesn't trust me that why I have to go. Fuckin Bullshit I'm gonna be 15 next month and she still won't trust me. Just because she fucked everything that moved when she was my age doesn't mean I'm the same way. Then she was bitching about my skool....Blah blah blah.......And this is what killed me the most. She got on my ass because of how I dress.... OMFG i wear Jeans and Black T shirts or hoodies. So my make up is darker then most. I like it that way but she insists I look like a whore. Then she called me a fat bitch. I am a Teenager........I do three things.... Eat....sleep....and Socialize. That's it. Seriously can't handle living here. 3yrs. Don't think will make it. No way. I try and deal with all this. But can't. Am crying as I type this. My eyes are bloodshot. Doubt will be getting any sleep tonight. I sit and think about the future......Maybe things would get better if i ever got married. But I couldn't put any guy through that. No guy would want to deal with me. And I reallii don't blame them. That's why I won't date anyone here. All the guys would freak that I'm some psycho. After all I do cut myself and act like nothing is wrong when everything is insane. Guess that's just how I am. I don't tell Nick or any of my other friends everything that's wrong. Can't see dragging them down. Hell even Scott told me I was a downer. I Love my friends too much to let them kno what's going on. I smile at skool and just make small talk. Keep my braclets on and act like everything is fine. It works for now. But it's just getting harder and harder to hide. Keep going over my options but nothing seems like it would work out rite except suicide. Feel like I'm fighting a war I can't win. Hate this. Fucking hate it. Want to feel happy again. Want to pretend like life was worth living. My friends are the only thing that keep me going. Knowing they have not much of an idea at all. Only time I get any peace is when I talk to my friends. My friends i've met from online are more loyal then my friends in real life. Sad isn't it? They kno more about me then my own parents do. I see through my mother's fucking lies. I see what she's tryin to do. She thinks she can raise the perfect daughters. Tryin to turn my sister into a Perfect little show girl. She failed with me and I'm a constant reminder....everyday knowing she failed in making her daughter the doll. Sorry I'm not the emotionless Anorexic daughter you want. I can't be perfect. It's not my fault I want to die. I just don't see any other way..... I don't want to be a pawn in this fucking little mind game of hers. I seriously think she wants me to kill myself. She knows how upset she gets me and It just makes her bitch more. She wants me dead. I know it.....Onlii thing keeping me going rite now. Is knowing I can talk to Nick. He always makes my day......."Love will Keep us alive" can only believe that. Gawd.......feel like cutting...... Dammit bitch just came in here again bitching.......gonna curl up and cry and debate whether to kill myself.....run....or deal with it RaZoR wHoRe "my body fights my mind......I headed straight for a collision.....So am I getting near or am I still....Looking in all the wrong places..." LP Lyrics One Step Closer I cannot take this anymore I'm saying everything I've said before All these words they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Less I hear the less you'll say But you'll find that out anyway Just like before... Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I find the answers aren't so clear Wish I could find a way to disappear All these thoughts they make no sense I find bliss in ignorance Nothing seems to go away Over and over again Just like before... Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Break break break break break shut up when I'm talking to you shut up shut up shut up shut up when I'm talking to you shut up shut up shut up shut up I’m about to break Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Break break break break break break shut up when I'm talking to you shut up shut up shut up shut up when I'm talking to you shut up shut up shut up shut up I’m about to break Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break Papercut Why does it feel like night today? Something in here’s not right today Why am I so uptight today? Paranoia’s all I got left I don’t know what stressed me first Or how the pressure was fed / but I know just what it feels like To have a voice in the back of my head It’s like a face that I hold inside A face that awakes when I close my eyes A face watches every time I lie A face that laughs every time I fall (And watches everything) So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin I know I’ve got a face in me points out all the mistakes to me You’ve got a face on the inside too and Your paranoia’s probably worse I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is I can’t add up to what you can but Everybody has a face that they hold inside A face that awakes when they close their eyes A face watches every time they lie A face that laughs every time they fall (And watches everything) So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin the face inside is right beneath my skin the face inside is right beneath my skin the face inside is right beneath my skin The sun goes down I feel the light betray me The sun goes down I feel the light betray me The sun It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin I feel the light betray me The sun It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within I feel the light betray me It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within Crawling crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing what is real there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming/confusing this lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling/I can't seem to find myself again my walls are closing in (without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before so insecure crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing what is real discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me distracting/reacting against my will I stand beside my own reflection it's haunting how I can't seem... to find myself again my walls are closing in (without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before so insecure crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing what is real crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal fear is how I fall confusing confusing what is real there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming/confusing what is real this lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling/confusing what is real In The End (It starts with) One thing / I don’t know why It doesn’t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme To explain in due time All I know time is a valuable thing Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings Watch it count down to the end of the day The clock ticks life away It’s so unreal Didn’t look out below Watch the time go right out the window Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know Wasted it all just to Watch you go I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn't even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn't even matter One thing / I don’t know why It doesn’t even matter how hard you try Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme To remind myself how I tried so hard In spite of the way you were mocking me Acting like I was part of your property Remembering all the times you fought with me I’m surprised it got so (far) Things aren’t the way they were before You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore Not that you knew me back then But it all comes back to me In the end You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn’t even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn’t even matter I’ve put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There’s only one thing you should know I’ve put my trust in you Pushed as far as I can go And for all this There’s only one thing you should know I tried so hard And got so far But in the end It doesn’t even matter I had to fall To lose it all But in the end It doesn’t even matter A Place For My Head I watch how the Moon sits in the sky / in the dark night Shining with the light from the sun The sun doesn't give / light to the moon assuming The moon’s going to owe it one It makes me think of how you act to me / You do Favors and then rapidly / You just Turn around and start asking me / about Things you want back from me I’m sick of the tension / sick of the hunger Sick of you acting like I owe you this Find another place / to feed your greed While I find a place to rest I want to be in another place I hate when you say you don’t understand (You’ll see it's not meant to be) I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy A place for my head Maybe someday I’ll be just like you / and Step on people like you do and / Run Away the people I thought I knew I remember back then who you were You used to be calm / used to be strong Used to be generous / but you should’ve known / That you’d Wear out your welcome / now you see How quiet it is / all alone / I’m so Sick of the tension / sick of the hunger Sick of you acting like I owe you this Find another place / to feed your greed While / I find a place to rest / I’m so Sick of the tension / sick of the hunger Sick of you acting like I owe you this Find another place / to feed your greed While / I find a place to rest I want to be in another place I hate when you say you don’t understand (You’ll see it's not meant to be) I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy A place for my head You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away You try to take the best of me Go away I want to be in another place I hate when you say you don’t understand (You’ll see it's not meant to be) I want to be in the energy, not with the enemy A place for my head Shut...up I’m so sick of the tension / sick of the hunger Sick of you acting like I owe you this Find another place / to feed your greed While I find a place to rest I’m so sick of the tension / sick of the hunger Sick of you acting like I owe you this Find another place / to feed your greed While I find a place to rest