5th entry today........... Nick went to bed early.....Haven't seen Allan on yet Ervin is on n a bunch of my site members but I dont want to talk to them. Can't figure this out. This hell. Tonight I know I shall tear my wrists up something bad. I need to see blood. Something. Anything. Wouldn't mind killing myself tonight but I need to stock pile some more meds. Haven't been to anyone's house lately so haven't had a chance to borrow any pills.... "Sometimes I got to think to myself is this life or death, am I living or am I dead" Sometimes I wonder......Suicidal Tendencies has the greatest songs. They're lyrics explain exactly how I feel. If only they hadn't disbanded.... Tryin to get my mind off the pain. But I keep noticing I flinch whenever i look in the mirror. I don't even realize it because I can't feel the pain in a certain sense but yet I can. I don't think i'm making much sense.....Just rambling on. Not sure what to realllii type. Just going through my suicide method list.......Thank Satan for ASH. I'd be lost without that site. The Methods file is at the top of my fav's. I've been watching Anhell sleeping in her cage. I feel so sorry for her. The Tumor is huge......I can feel her pain. She has a visible tumor.....and I have one mentally that's cut off the circulation of emotions. Maybe I should put us both out of our misery..... I'm gonna call the Vet Monday. I can't stand to see her Suffer. Wish some one would put me out of my pain. I hate to see things in pain because I know what they feel. Depression is the worst thing ever.......The spiraling darkness.....The long nights crying....The Silver blade glistening in the moonlight begging to be used. The crimson rivers making puddles. Being Hypnotized just watching it. The numbness....... I'd never wish this on my worst enemy. People think depression doesn't exist...yet it does. Just because you cannot see it. Doesn't mean its there. Thats partly why i cut myself. So you can SEE the pain. it is there. Maybe tonight I'll get lucky and cut to deep and die.......Could always take a nice warm midnight bath.......Drift off into bliss..... RaZoR wHoRe "Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down.....I cry for help but no one's around.....Silently screaming as I bang my head against the wall....It seems like no one cares at all...."