I typed this up yesterday but this site was bein a cocksucker.......... 2 ODs in 2 days and I am still here. WTF am I doing wrong? Was so close with the Acetaminophen/ Codeine. I took 6 Bottles of extra strength tylenol. All I remember was Music playing in the background. And then Nothing. Till 4am when I Musta threw up at least 3 times in a row and it wasn't very pretty. Guess that will teach my ass to use Antihistamines next time. I realii hoped I wouldn't get up this time. Just can't handle this mad house world. Anyways tho Guess I some how made it back to my bedroom and passed out again. Can remember hearing the music but had a damn ringin in my ears drove me nutz. Then it was nothing except for I musta got up around 10am and walked downstairs and Katie had Bugsy on the couch. I dont remember coming back up the stairs. But I got up again and it was 2pm. Logged on and Nick already wrote me an email. I'm surprised he read my journal so soon..... Only he would say I look good after an OD! lol Love him to death tho. At this point am not sure what I want to do. Should try to find some one who wants to do a suicide pact or Joint suicide or something. Couldn't post something like that on ASH tho..... cuz then pplz are alwyz like It's a cop or something.... Way back when I used to talk to Andy? I think it was from there. We'd talk about that stuff.....but long since lost contact. I really wonder what is on the other side. Ya kno? I mean is there truly a hell....or Purgatory? You hear all this from religions and it really makes you wonder. I'm at the point where I am ready to find out. One can only deal with hell for long enough before You just want to be out of your misery. I Mean I know my heart says stay....You can fight this if you keep tryin. But my mind says its done it cant deal with anymore.....I'm so scared and confused at this point its pathetic. Ya kno. I mean like. Something is holding me back and I can't figure out what. Surely it couldn't be god. Even if he did exist. Maybe it's Love? Maybe it's something more? I'm not sure at this point. Just so fucking confused. Was so close to getting what I wanted. So fucking close. Not meant to die alone? I dunno. Confusion takes over and it's like. I get mixed up. Being thrown into another part of time where I can't decide. Left or right? Ya kno. I don't know what Path leads where anymore. It's like just freeze and stand in the middle of the road. Maybe something will come along and hit me and put me out of my misery. What is the point in living in this world?....I dunno if i'm even making any sense at all? Clueless.