Im losing the fight once again......Antonio controls when I see Ryan....I haven't seen him in 2wks! and possibly not for a month depending on Antonio. He won't let me talk to him. And he won't even talk to me. Im trying to be as nice as I can....and he blows me off......gawd....And then Ryans mom makes me feel liek i am nothing.....I want to kill myself. I want out. It's just that I Love Ryan. I don't want to leave him....It's just I can never see him. I would give anything to be able to see him. I feel liek im totally falling now.....Im crying right now....I wanna slit my wrists but I wont cuz I dont wanna lose Ryan. Ya kno....Antonio and Ry's mum control my life. Antonio basically controls my heart because he controls when I see Ryan. Ryans mom control's ryan. And ryan likes to hang out at places I could possibly get a job at....but I cant get a job there b/c then he won't be able to go there and I wouldn't do that to him.....Gawd WTF before I was a puppet to my emotions and now people are controling me...Along with the darkness slowly moving in and taking me over. I'm spending a lot of nights crying. I can't handle this anymore. I just want to be rid of the pain. I try to tell people I am hurting. It's not liek it used to be where I had the pain visible on my body. I can;t cut anymore. I can't do anything.....but sit and wallow in my pain. I've tried talking to Antonio.....I want him to realize I am hurting! I want him to tell Ryan. I want him to kno that I am slipping...I can't bring myself to tell him. everytime I see or talk to him I always sound and look so happy cuz I am at that moment....and then when its time to go...I just wanna break down and lose it. I just wanna be held and told everything will be ok. Ry always told me i could call if i ever needed anything....but 1. we're banned 2. his mum wuld pick up the line and call the cops. Some one just tell me it will be ok!!! I have no reassurance...Im sooo scared of myself rite now....and no one to talk to......No one can save me from myself....I will fall victim to the pain.......Ry can't save me this time....no one can....I am and always have been beyond help...Im afraid if I say anything Ry will kick me to the side.....I wonder if he still loves me? He prolly doesnt anymore.....thats why he hasnt talked to me...If I lose him....I lose everything....Gawd WTF I HATE myself......Either way I lose! No one can understand what I am going through. Not even I can understand yet. I am still figuring out my feelings. I kno I love Ryan wit all my heart....he was my strength.....but I don't see him.....seeing him once a week was enough to help me get thru the next week.....Itz been two weeks....my strength is mentally and physically drained. I can't fight anymore. I am just surrendering my mind...My heart will not give up...at all......But i am weakening day by day.....Im crying more....listening to suicide music....laying in bed all day....entertaining thoughts of my funeral. I wanna be laid out....they can rent a coffin....and then cremate me....throw me away....and go on with their lives. I never meant anything to anyone...I never touched anyone's life. I live a meek meaningless existance. Maybe I am doomed to commit suicide? Should I do it now? or try and deal and then do it when Its finally breaking....well never mind.,...I am breaking...I am broken....I am the broken winged angel who can no longer fly. Who can no longer Fly to the depts of happiness....to that cloud 9 i loved being on so much. My world collapses....and I am losing myself....I feel liek I am dying on the inside. Maybe I am already dead and these are just the aftershocks. I think i am dead. No lively human could feel pain this emotionally deep. I feel liek I am constantly being stabbed at by knives and words that cannot be seen. Every negative word kills me.....Ryans mom herself has done me in by hating me. I cant stand being hated by some one who i tried to be nice to. I am falling....falling into the darkness and the demons....they're grabbing on to me.....Help.....thats all i can say is Help.....I will never say it out loud. I smile everyday and pretend I am not dying on the inside. I distance myself from everyone except the 2 ppl i want to talk to and one cant and the other refuses. Maybe it's a sign saying...this is ur chance...get out now....they wont care cuz they wont have talked to you....I just can't do that to Ry tho...He'd be heart broken...well..i think he would anyways.....I dunno......I think I have out done my welcome on earth......I am ready to die...I just can't leave Ry...Gawd I am sooo fucking conflicted....I need to see Ry....I need to do something or my life will soon be short lived.....The happier you are...the harder you fall...I feel liek I have just hit a bed of sharp nails on concrete in hell.... I just kno....I can't last much longer.... May my Prince save me again....I can onli hope...... If I die and some one reads this....Tell Ry i love him...