well i am doing somewhat better in life. Although I am still having problems. I'm feeling trapped in life. Onli thing keeping me together is Ryan. I await his mom's verdict on whether he goes to south or not....I hope he does....otherwise my life is gonna suck 200x worse because everytime I walk down a hallway....ima miss him even more. I hope his mom will have some mercy. It's so hard to stay silent during times of extreme pain. I want to tell some one.....anyone who will listen. But I can bring myself to it. It's not in me to ask for help. I am the silently suffering one. Because I do not want to break my silence for fear of being put away. I have isolated myself from friends....but if I am isolated from everyone....I will definitly lose it. My depression during the summer is always bad....Ry's mom has made it worse. I can't wait for skool to start. It gives me some structure in my life....and I am in dier need of it..... I feel liek suicide is inevitble for me....I have dreams about living with Ryan....waking up to see him every morning....falling asleep in his arms....but after all they are just dreams. the thoughts about being doomed to suicide have taken over once again. I cannot help but wonder if that is my true fate. Am I fooling myself? I kno for a fact I Love Ryan more then anything...and if we weren't together I would be long gone. I dunno........I just Ryan....that seems to be the onli thing I am sure about anymore...... -Former Razor whore-