Well realization has hit. Eye liner and Mascara have a little river trickling down my cheeks. I can't believe that I may never get to speak to Scott again. It's like.....I dunno I feel like something is missing. There's no one to realli talk to online everytime I hear the Yahoo IM sound I look and hope that it's him saying I'm sorry. I've been on and off all day hoping that he'd call to chat that maybe we could sort things out......But I dunno......I don't want this to be over. I keep hoping it's all a bad dream that I'll wake up and he'll call and it'll be like ole times. I doubt that'll ever happen tho. Gawd I am such a fucking moron. I wanna talk to some one but no one understands. Everyone has told me it's up to him now. I have no control over this situation and thats what I hate. I can't do anything. I did everything I could. I wanna make things work out. Ya kno. I love him. I honestly really do. He's always been there for me. I wanna be there for him. I feel like the past 2yrs....have been like torn away from me. I'm tryin to hold on to the memories. Just want to hold onto something. I've been hugging my Skitzy bear. I want this to be just a dream- a nightmare. I wanna wake up and be able to talk to him. Why cant this all be just part of my mind. No I don't want it to be real. I probably like some obsessed nut. but he was the 1st person that accepted me for me. He didn't care that I cut or made myself throw up. No he's always been there. When I called him a fucking liar he called and we talked for hours. damn. It's like I dunno......I can't explain it. I mean I'm feeling this pain and it's real. I can feel it. I wanna cut so the pain won't be there. This is literattly the worst I have Ever felt. It's like No pain I've ever felt before. I've been listening to every depressing song.....Like the beginning of "How will I Laugh tomorrow" it starts off as "Here I sit and watch my world come crumbling down" Thats exactly what i feel rite now. There's nothing left for me to hang on to. No twig sticking out the side of the mountain. Nothing. I'm just falling heading straight for the bottom. I'm scared that this fall could kill me. I try so hard to fight off the depression and suicidal thoughts but it's becoming harder and harder. Haven't been doing to well at all these past few weeks. Of course I didn't tell Scott that. Why would I want to drag him down with me. When I go. I go alone. Maybe I'm to much of a dependant personality but there's just no one there. No one I can talk to that understands. Gone. everything is fucking Gone. There's nothing left. Nothing left to stay for. I wanna slit my wrists.....Wanna feel that nice cold blade against my skin. To see the blood just run. I'm afraid to do it cuz I know I'll go to far. I just kno it. I mean I don't wanna kill myself over this as much as I would love to. I'm tired of dealing with pain. Especially since i have such a major fear of Rejection....Ya kno.....Gawd.....Crying again....I look like hell........ Mascara and eye liner all over my cheeks Eyes all puffy and red....Wearin a grey hoodie and black PJ pants. I just wanna stay in bed and cry forever. Maybe this is for the best. if it helps Scott's health then I'm fine with it. This is all his descision and I respect that......Totally love and miss him tho