wow.....i am sooooo clueless rite now its not even funnii...Spent the past 3 days in a row with Ryan and they've just wowed me.....I love actually being close to some one and talking and stuff. but i'm soooo scared. I'm not used to this relationship thing i mean we're not going out, heh ppl say we're the perfect couple n stuff but we aint goin out. But i'm soooo in the dark I don't know how he feels and I dont want to ask because i'm afraid of the answer. At his house friday he pointed out a pic of the girl that reallii likes him n I think he likes her cuz he said thats ur competition....and omfg she's drop dead gorgeous! Skinny pretty girl......So I don't think i stand that much of a chance. I feel myself falling in love with him and its just....i dunno....i'm sooo afraid that the fall will kill me. I dont let him kno but I been thinkin of suicide a lot lately. I can't help it....Feb 5th is when I had it planned and he knows it and he's been getting edgy since he still thinks I mite do it even tho I promised not to.....I'm seriously thinking about doing it on Valentines day.....I'm destined to be alone forever i realize that.....and i just cant handle life....I wasnt made to live.....I was made to die.... Love has and alwyz will be my down fall but I think this is it.....if this turns into more then a friendship maybe i'll stick around but i dunno.....i just want out now......I hate being in love and not knowing if he feels the same way.....i guess not.... Kill me please......