My fuckin wrist hurts soooooooooooo bad......Damn braclet rubbing against it......grrrrzzz Well today.......was ummmmm different. I sat outside skool today instead of the Cafeteria which was nice. 1st hr..Algebra we had to do our HW on the little projector screen....and guess who got called first. I was sooooo fucking confused. I hate math. 2nd hr was great. In German we have a lot of Juniors and they all sit rite by Ashley and Me.....and yeah they fuck around the entire class...its entertaining.....they're screamin out Hola when the teacher says Guten Tag -_- lunatics. 3rd hour study hall....during Lunch we were fucking around.....I choked on a sucker while attempting to deep throat it....nearly swallowed it. Tootsie pops don't go down that easily. Katherine got pissed at me cuz I was bein immature so she won't talk to me. I don't reallii care tho. 4th hr in History. we were in the Research center learnin stuff...n like they were talkin about Careers... And like they said we could research our careers. So being the Smart ass that I am. I was like..... I'm gonna be a porn star...Can I look at Porno? The teacher's aid was rite behind me. Carrie and the other pplz lost it laughing. Teacher was soooooooooooooo pissed.....Health was odd.. I hate bein the only female out of 17 guys. There's this reallii cute blond dude. Think he's a Senior or Junior but like he wouldn't give me a 2nd look. Richard kept hitting on me!!!! i'm like WTF! He was playin footsie with me under the table and i'm like ugh...ok....I don't like him. 6th hr English...God letz not go there. All I have to say....Is that dude looks like a fucking cock if he'd shave his head. And biology 7th hr was gay. Kristen and I just talked the whole time. The Ephedra pills get me through the day it seems but my stash is running low and I dunno what to do. Bob was like... Mr. Winky needs your attention. Seriously since I been talkin to Nick more........ The Hooking life has lost all appeal. but if it came to it I would blow bob to get my hands on some more ephedra. without that shit...I'd be dead all day. starting a new diet today...... Water and fat free snacks....No more Ice cream.... no more cheese sandwhiches......Just stick with me water and I should lose weight. Oh also I forgot to mention. I took a pregnancy test....and I'm not Pregnant YAY!!!!!!! So fucking happy on that issue Ya kno tho. Only time I feel reallii good is when i talk to Nick. He always gets me to smile. It's so nice getting online 5mins after getting up and him being there. Same with after the long walk home. He's there. I totally love that. He accepts me for who i am. He's so sweet about everything! He sends me reallii sweet and entertaining emails. Always brings a smile to my face. omg he sent me 3 vids today.....and I almost died laughing........Mah Nicky!!!!!!! lol.....Luv ya!!!! Seems like....when i talk to him....The pain lessens.....the disguize disappears and I can be myself. Onli time ever feel some relief. Yet darkness does return and so does the suicidal feelings. For reasons....I won't say on here. Tonight is an all time low more then the past days. I won't say why. It just is. Reallii suicidal at this point. I wish I had some pills to pass out on. Hate this fucking feeling. well....I wrote this during study hall today ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whenever some one smiles you think they're happy. Yet that is not always the case. Look deep into their eyes and you will see the truth. The pain is there. The suffering. The Darkness. The dull color. I can read it in anyone's eyes. You have to have an open mind to see it. Other wise you won't. Sub-Consciously people don't want to think of others in pain so they deny it exists so we do not see it. But yet it still remains. Wishing something would go away doesn't work. I know. I've tried. I wish everyday this pain was gone but it won't leave. not much one can do about that. We keep hoping someday everything bad will vanish before our own eyes....If only it would. If only there wasn't so much pain in the world. Then there wouldn't be the need for suicide. It will always be an option tho. People will never stop suffering tryin to rid themselves of the pain. But that is life i suppose "Life is death Death is life Suffering is Suicide" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Fuckin physical pain is starting again from all of the overwelming emotional hell. It's so fierce at night that I just lay down and pray for it to go away. "The Night's the hardest time when the doubts run through my mind" Just want it to stop. A dude in my english class told me I always look sad. Can't help it. Can't keep hiding beneath the disguize. It doesn't work anymore. The pain has gotten ahold of me for good and it's not gonna let go.... Reminds me of the sign above Kip Kinkles bed....If memory serves me rite he killed his parents then went to skool with a gun. the sign read "No Salvation No Forgiveness" I truly understand what it means. If Allan isn't on in 15mins....I'm gonna finish my hw and curl up with a bottle of NyQuil. Shoulda took all the bottles yesterday. Maybe I wouldn't be here then. Oh well.... _________________________________________________________________________________ just wanted to add this.....reminds me of Nick and Allan "Always" My wish is... My.. my wish is... My wish is.... My wish is, I hope to do for you All that you've done, because all that you do it's like magic Your amazing me, a diamond for free Your as real as can be and to keep you, I'd give up everything I own The mic and my life just don't leave me alone you're my partner I want you to see, no matter how bad things in life can be You've always got me You've always got me Now you trust me, I carry that so tight I'll be there for you, if your wrong or your right It doesn't matter, just reach out to me I will never question, any opportunity to show you And prove to you that I care, always you share and you've always been there Your my best friend, it's easy to see No matter how bad things in life can be.. You've always got me You've always got me My wish is, I hope to do for you All that you've done, because all that you do it's like magic Your amazing me, a diamond for free, your as real as can be And you have always got me You've always got me You've always got me You've always got me It just came on my WINAMP....listening to Zug Izland......ya'll were the first thing that came to mind.....Love you guys _____________________________________________ Eagerly awaiting morning and Nick's Company RaZoR wHoRe "I'm sorry, I reak of depression.....I have so many flaws"