wellz finally this site is workin..... Haven't talked to Nick in ages. I miss him so much! He's in the psyward and like...I heard he's gonna kill himself when he gets out. When Twi told me...if i had been standin....I woulda collapsed. it was such a shock. i'm pro-choice on suicide....But I love Nick...I just want to hold him....and tell him everything will be okay. I respect his wishes...But i'd like to shake some sense into him.....I'm startin to sound like a hypocrite. It's just I reallii love him....And I don't want to let go...Sounds selfish. If he does anything I hope he at least calls me. *Cries* i miss him..... Twi is my ears for any news....but havent heard anything new Been depressed more then usual. Cut on my arms a lot more often now...hangin in a daddys little girl chat....makes me feel wanted even if these guys are just talkin to me because i'll show my tits....... Pervs.... I got another shock this week... Scott got back in contact with me.... i was like WTF... but eh its alrite.... I got dsl...i hate it.... ooooo I wrote this after i found out about Nick..... Nick's gonna kill himself and I can't do anythin'. I'm a wreck. I feel so powerless. I Love him so much. I thought at first this was just puppy love. But No. It is real love. He's said things to me no one ever else has nor probably ever will. Never felt so comfortable around anyone. He's like my dream come true. I wish I could stop his suffering. Deep down my heart is wishing he won't do it. I honestly thought we could be happy together. I Love him...I love him....I love him. I been watchin the vids he sent me of himself. I can't stop cryin. I love him so much. I would in a heart beat give my life in order for him to be able to live a long healthy life free of pain and suffering. Wouldn't to think twice. that's how I know I love him. I've been in a haze since Twi gave me the msg. I want it to be a bad dream. I want to wake up and be able to see Nick, Happy and laughin'. But this is real. I'd give anything to make things right. So Numb right now. Can't eat, can't sleep. Eyes blood shot and puffy from cryin. eye liner smeared. Hair plastered to my face from cryin so much. Been curlin up on my bed cryin. Never thought I'd react this way. I Love him more then anyone I've ever met. I feel a special connection with him. Listening to the song "Don't fear the reaper" "Romeo and Juliet are together for Eternity" I want that to be Nick and me. I want to be with him and I'll do whatever it takes. If there is another world after this. I want to spend it with him. I want to hold him so bad and say everything is going to be okay. We'll make it through this together. but I can't. This is fuckin' torture. I can't do anything. Dammit. I look at everything and it reminds me of him. How he teased me about Bugsy. About how we joked about my new bedspread. It's too much.....I want to talk to him before he does anything. I want to be able to say goodbye.......Hate this.....some one kill me...plz....... And I still believe every word of it....I'm ready to follow him to the ends of this earth....and into the next world.... Today in study hall...I was bored so i wrote a new poem..... "To Live or To Die?" To Live or To Die Only we can decide To Live and suffer, Asking why or to end it, and commit suicide Continue to live the next 50yrs in pain or die and have eternal bliss Take meds and stay sane or feel a razor blade's kiss Talk to a shrink about how you feel or place a noose around your neck Try to pretend the pain isn't real or crash and die in a car wreck Try Shocktreament, Let them attach electrodes to you or overdose, sleep with a bag over your head Drug trials, Let them do experiments and tests too or use a gun, One shot, You're dead Join a support group of people who "Understand" or try drano and pop rocks, an excellent mix Explain to your friends about it all or go for an ocean dive with bricks Blame your parents, let them take the fall or jump and take flight Hide away from those who "care" Why bother to fight? Do what others wouldn't dare It's your choice to act or wait To go on or break down and cry Only you can decide your fate To Live or To Die I'm such a dumbass tho.... I forgot to add my fav method....TRAIN! Dammit....heh got Allan's Drano and Pop rocks tho.....heh thanx for the idea dude.... well downloading some Nick Drake....Thanx twi for turnin me onto him..... Good shit..... Wellz.....Long enuff entry....not gonna go into detail on anythin else.... RaZoR wHoRe