Well gah where to start Walk into skool late cuz psycho called before i was out the door and had to give her a number. So like when I got to my locker. Mike comes over and starts begging me to stay after skool with him. So then like suddenly Antonio comes out of nowhere and scares the fuck out of me. Was pretty spacey the rest of the day. Anyways Mike walked home with me and like. He was bein a fuckin ass!!! He wouldn't keep his hands off me. At first it was all kool and playful and all but then it got annoying. He kept smackin my ass n he pushed me against the counter and like.....I dunno it scared me. In the back of my mind I am still dealing with the rape so like I don't like to be cornered by black guys. And even though I've known mike for like 7yrs or so. It's the fact I was raped by a black guy that makes me leery of all of'em. Antonio is alright. Like He doesn't know anything about me. Come to think about it Mike doesn't kno much either. Well anyways. When Mike was over he was screwin with my comp and i think he pissed off Nick and he majorly pissed off Aaron to the point that he called him a nigger. And Aaron would NEVER do that. So mike left. Half hour later or so. Aaron shows up on my porch pissed. We talked. I wanted to hug him so badly and say everything will work out. But I didn't. I don't liked to be touched reallii so there for I am careful about touching others. Message for ya Aaron: I know this is asking alot. I know what it's like. But please try to quit cutting. I don't think you've reached the addiction point and hope you never will because it is hell. Please Please Please do it for yourself. I love you as a friend. I know you're hurting. But becoming addicted to something that could follow you through life isn't worth it. And that's coming from a SIer of 8yrs. Stop before you start. I'm always here for ya So like I walked with Aaron and we went to Sara's and like he left So Katy and I walked to the Football game. got bored and walked around while Katy smoked and then like Katy told me about her past. It was interesting to hear about it. I don't feel pity on her. But I know her pain even though some of my experiences can't compare to hers. Anyways my Anxiety was so off the charts with everything. I drank a shitload of Brandy and smoked a few squares. I get home and Anhell was dead. Just one of them days. Suddenly feel reallii depressed. Like everything that's happened today is somehow my fault. I keep picturing what the world would be like without me. Don't think it would matter to anyone. I'm a no one- with barely any friends. Can count my good friends on one hand. Nick, Twi, Allan, Aaron. That's it. Sara and I don't click like we used to anymore. Like Josh and Antonio want to be friends with me I kno. But like I just block ppl. I don't want to share my past. And I have no intentions of doing so anymore with any new friends I make. Already known as a cheap whore. Gah. three more fucking yrs. Sometimes I wonder would meds be able to stop these feelings? I dunno. Maybe I don't want to. Dunno why these feelings have come back all of a sudden. Hate it. Fucking hate it. Feel like slitting my wrists and sitting on my bed just watching it bleed. Probably will do that. Or just pull out my pills. Take enough of an OD just to pass out for 12hrs or so. I want to sleep. I want to forget. I hate fuckin Panic attacks. I hate depression and I fucking hate my self Injury addiction. I'm too weak to give it up. I can't without it I'd certainly kill myself. through everything cutting has always helped me. One of these days might go to far. I dunno. I keep thinking about Nick. "Hold your ground. The future will pay off" I keep telling myself that. I know I'll feel safe once I'm with him. Today he asked if I wanted to have Kids. I thought about that most the day. Would I have kids? I don't know. I love little babies. Honestly I love Nick more then anything that I would love to have his children. Hopefully they'll have his looks! lol... Love ya forever Nick RaZoR wHoRe