Guh... I'm sick. Maybe its mostly exhaustion, but BLEH. My head hurts, my body aches, I keep getting cold chills... ick ick ick... And dear god, Winter has been WEIRD. She barely sleeps anymore. Well, that isn't true, she sleeps, but never when I need her to, and all in one big chunk. All night she was squirmy and fussy. Not screaming or anything, but AGH. She wouldn't stop wiggling and whining and whimpering. I couldn't figure out what was wrong! She wasn't hungry, she wasn't dirty, I was holding her... I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ELSE TO DO! Though... I think she may have been starting to get diaper rash, so that might be part of the problem. I just wish I knew how to make my baby comfortable and happy... *sigh* And being sick is only aggrivating my already harried nerves. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to handle this... I'm getting really scared of PPD... I'm already depressed enough... *sigh* Anywho... my head's been all crazy with weird thoughts and emotions. I want to go and do things. I need to. I need theatre and art and friends and FUN... but I feel so... roped in. I can't... I feel defeated. In all aspects of life. Well... except Goat. Things are still good there... but we're both so worn... I really REALLY need an outlet... but what can I do? Nothing when I have the baby. She's been monopolizing my whole body when I have her, EVEN WHEN SHE'S ASLEEP! And I can barely get any sleep myself... I'm gonna break down! Ugh... but I don't want to complain. I chose to become a mommy, I'll live with the concequences. And I don't regret it. Its just getting so hard... but I'll manage. I have to. I miss everyone. I miss Her. I miss creating things... I miss feeling alive....