Well… I just wrote an email. I’m probably crazy thinking that it will do any good. But I really want things to be different. And maybe, just maybe, this could help… a little at least… God, why is it so hard to write a stinking letter? And why is it so hard for me to not be scared about everything? Ugh! For ONCE I just want to believe… I want to have faith again. I want that stupid little pain to NOT be there when he tells me I’m special, or he loves me. I want that dumb little voice that says “Yeah? Until the next girl comes along, you mean…” to just SHUT UP. I want to hear certain songs without crying… I want to not stiffen up when he tells me who he’s talked to recently… I want to not be suspicious when he says he’s going out… I don’t want to be the jealous girlfriend! Ugh! I didn’t used to be so wary of everything. I don’t know what happened to me… I used to be… well… so much more than I am now. I used to love wholeheartedly… I’d do things like give up lunch for three weeks because a friend needed money… or sit and listen for 7 hours to someone rant about their girlfriend… because I loved them. Now I just hide in my safe little hole and worry and fret and cry because I’m scared and I’m not good enough... ARGH! What the hell happened to me? I want to be the sweet, trusting, caring person I WAS, not the bitter, scared, vindictive bitch I’ve become. *sigh* And I’m TRYING to change… GAH! I just found out the person I wrote the email to is someone who went to school with a very old friend of mine. Apparently they had a lot of classes together. Small world…. Speaking of whom, it’s nice to talk to this friend. I’ve known her for like 7 years and we never talk anymore. She introduced me to some of my favorite books, and we started Renaissance Festival together…. I really do miss her. *giggle* And this conversation is really making me feel better. Maybe I just need to talk more… get out and have friends again. I need someone to make me laugh, and to talk to me about things that don’t matter. I think that’s it. I spend too much time thinking and brooding and letting everything boil, and not enough time just… I don’t know, just being me. Maybe if I get to be me more often, I’ll change back into me. *laughs* Oh well… a girl can hope can’t she? I’d like to turn my bitterness into something else, be it friendship or just mutual understanding with whoever is involved. I’m trying… I just hope that I get some help along the way. *shrug* I’m still a crass idiot, but maybe this crass idiot will finally work something out for once…