Violence. Anger. The soul of pain. Why do I surround myself in it? The time I would consider the "worst" time of my life was almost nothing but violence and anger. Yet, even now, when I feel the bite I do nothing but choke back any reaction, any outburst that would show the pain. Not as much... but still I do. I swallow my reaction. School my face to as little expression as I can. And return injury with love. Love and bitterness. Love I can't control. Love that renders me helpless against myself. Bitterness toward myself. Wait... now its gone. He smiled..

Why do I cry? Angry again. You're so angry all the time. Always so frustrated and angry. No laughter. No humor. Just anger. How can you truely love something when what you love makes you so mad? Thats who I am. I laugh. I joke around. I'm crazy. Its who I fucking am! Would you rather I be depressed and gloomy and dead all the time? No... I know you wouldn't. I'm just tired and hurting. You don't know, you don't see how every little hand gesture, every small look of disdain, every tiny sarcastic remark cuts into me. You don't understand how your actions can hurt me so. I don't see how... but I really think you are that blind. I know I caused you pain. I'm sorry my actions hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you with my actions, I meant to hurt myself. When you weren't mine, when you started to favor someone else with yourself... I was hurt. So I did the same. I went to someone I knew would have me and tried to forget. Let him use me and lie to me again. Then, after you'd been mine for such a short while, when you found you couldn't bear to see her with anyone else... when we broke back down to "just dating", when you returned to her arms... I cried by your side as you slept. I realized that you could never be satisfied with only me. So I hardened myself... an old love of mine returned... you had someone else so I went to him as I have so many times before I even knew you... and he accepted me in for the first time. But he only wanted a good fuck. I knew that. I tried to bury the pain from you in teh pain from something else. All I was doing was trying to drown my emotions... justify the hurt I felt. I regret it. So what? I still did it. I strayed to another man's arms when I felt I had no real link or claim to you, and you had someone else. You had someone else. I would rather be betrayed a thousand times than sit by and watch the man I love in someone else's arms while I told myself it was alright, he still loves me, again. But I can't complain. I gave away my right to hurt when I lied back in December. When I was still lying to myself al the time. I hate fighting. I hate the anger. This stupid senseless anomosity is bullshit! I love you damnit. I understand that you still love her. I understand that multiple parts of you are being pulled back to her. I understand that you're under alot of stress and you're frightened and confused. I don't blame you. I'm not angry at you for any of that. I have no answers for you. If it were entirely my choice, I say "fuck all this bullshit" and we'd stay together how we were a few weeks ago, I'd get a job and help support and love your family. I'd still be yours you'd still be mine. You'd have a baby. It would have a daddy and two loving mommies. We'd all be okay. But its not entirely up to me. You would have to want and accept me as I am, a girl who loves you and can't bear to share you with another woman, and want me to be there for you and your child. She would have to want me to help support her and her child and accept that I'm going to be there. That is your two's decisions. What I want doesn't really matter right now. What you two are going to do, what is best for the child, THAT is what matters. I don't matter. Mommy matters. Daddy Matters. I'm just a girlfriend.

....*sigh* No... its not all pain and anger and nastiness. Its warm arms, soothing voices, restful cuddles. Its love. Its stressed stretched and abused love, yet love none the less. Why woudl I fight so hard for the life I just described above? I wouldn't. I fight for the life that makes me want life. The life that makes me feel like someone. The life I believe can go somewhere. The life I want to live. I'm sorry, my love. I truely am sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to smile at you and help you smile. Not yell. Can we please try and stop? Both of us? Before we get so angry or hurt or offended or whatever, can we stop and take a breath and let it go or try to figure out the intent behind what triggered us? We get so angry for simple misunderstandings. Or even just try to understand that the other one of us is scared and stressed and on edge. We explode before we even try. And we can even both cut back on snideness and sarcasm. Or realize it can be all in good fun. I love you. This is stupid. I want my lover back. Lets support eachother, not attack.