I realize, but I don’t understand. I understand, but I don’t comprehend. I comprehend, but I can’t identify with. *sigh* So much energy for the negative, but nothing behind the positive. Yeah, sure, there’s plenty of fire in lust. SO much emphasis and delight in lust… just not in love. No excitement in love, just calm acceptance. Or sadness. Why can’t we be excited to love someone? Why can’t just the feeling of caring for someone so much you think you’ll die make us as excited or energetic as sex or anger? I thought love was supposed to be the most wonderful and powerful emotion a person could feel. I don’t believe it is anymore. Love is no longer enough. From what I’ve seen love is easily overpowered or forgotten. If you’re angry enough at someone, no matter how much you love them, you’ll leave them. If you want someone bad enough you’ll fuck them, even if it hurts the one you love or means losing them. So where is the so called ‘power of love’? I’m almost 5 days late (I think). Took a test this morning, but it was negative. He was so happy about it, so much that he was frustrated by my apathy. I knew it would be. I always freak out over nothing. Its almost embarrassing. But with someone else being pregnant I’d think it was understandable. Still, something about that really bothered me, somewhere deep in the back of my head. Its been nagging at me. He’s so fucking happy and excited about her, but thrilled to death that I’m not. Would it have been such a tradgety? I mean, if I was, my child would have just as much right to exist as hers. But he would have been so fucking upset. No, I don’t want a kid, not now. Still, if I were to have one I would love it and do everything I could to give it a good life. He already loves that kid and he doesn’t even know if its his! How would mine be any different? Because he MIGHT already have one? It wouldn’t be the kid’s fault he came second. I thought you said every time you had sex you understood and were willing to accept that it could result in a child. *sigh* It doesn’t really matter. This child of mine doesn’t even exist. If that baby is his I’ll end up loving it. Just like I love him. Its unfair. I’m not as free as I seem. I tie myself down for love of you… I just wish you’d understand.