I hate to say it, but it's been eating at the back of my mind. I dreamed it again. It felt so real... I could feel the pain, the force of his hands, all over again. I could hear his voice so clearly. He never seemed so strong before then, never so cold. I'd never been so afraid of him. There was no feeling in his eyes, no life, only a sick and cruel delight. Some twisted hunger... and I let him. I could have fought harder, screamed louder... but I thought of the knife and the cold unfamiliar look in his eyes... I knew he could do more damage without regret. I was afraid. Afraid of getting more hurt. Afraid of hurting him. Isn't that dumb? With all he was doing to me, all he was taking, ignoring my tears and pleas, I was afraid of hurting HIM. My neck ached and my head throbbed when I woke up. Sort of phantom wounds I guess. Why won't my mind let it go? I tell myself, its the past, I can't change it. I thought I had moved on... maybe I haven't yet. I don't want it to be a major factor in my life. I'm not a victim. What happened happened. Its not uncommon. I'm one of thousands, nothing special. Get over it. So why am I still afraid. Why do I still hurt and cry? I forgave him. I forgave that f*cking child for everything. I don't blame him... he tries so hard. I'm living again. I'm past it. So why does it still haunt me? I want those months to just go away and leave me to live out the rest of my life in peace. I'm trusting again, loving again, caring again. I want the dreams to stop, the bitterness to stop, the fear to stop. But it doesn't. Do I have to hurt him? Turn him in and ruin his life? Let someone else exact revenge for me? No. I want him to live. I want him to get better, to have a better life. *sigh* Maybe all I need is time. I hope it fades. I want to be me again.