I've come to a realization. I am not where I want to be. Nor am I where I WILL be. I believe I AM on my way, though. But I am probably not helping myself out too much. I have quite a few emotions and habits that are detrimental to what I should/could/need to/want to be doing with/in my life. I am a wife. I love my husband more than I can describe, or even really comprehend. He... challenges me. To be the person I want to be. To be the person we both know I COULD be. To live my life. And when I'm with him... everything just... is. I'm not contsantly happy or in some fairy tale dreamland in his presence... but I'm living. And when I look at him... I see forever. No end. A man. And I love him. I am a mother. My daughter is my world. No one can really understand what it is to have a child untill they have one. Its... indescribable. I can't even imagine what I would do if anything happened to her... I don't think I could handle it. Honestly, without any stupid dramatics, I really don't. Its amazing to see her... a person... someone who grew from me.... its just... amazing. I love her. And I would do almost anything for her. Those are who I am now. What makes me believe that I am not lost. Nor am I unmoving. I am also a lover. I probably shouldn't be. Not in the context I am refering to. My husband and daughter should be the most important people in my life. My family... But I have feelings for someone else as well. And though there really isn't anything wrong with that, it is probably not helpful in acheiving my goals. The ups and downs of that are far too prominent in my mind... and in the end, it will most certainly be a down. From all that I've seen, heard, read... I should move on. And I've told myself that. Now I just have to listen. I should be... AM... a friend first. Its a beautiful thing... but I have to let it go. I am a romantic. Once again, not always a bad thing... but it stands in the way of me accepting what I have. And it leaves me longing for what I don't. And what I can't. And no one gets anywhere when they put their energy into trying to acheive an impossible goal, forsaking what truly matters. I have done that, and continue to do so. I have to learn what is worth the fight, what isn't, and what can never be won. And my biggest obsticle.... I am a coward. No, I'm not insulting myself. Its a fact. Life scares the hell outta me. Interaction is one of my greatest fears. Its incapacitating at times. Pathetic, to be truthful... I need to find a way to get past that. Or I'll remain a failure forever. All of what I've written is true. None of it is bad. But some is detrimental. And I have to learn to adjust myself to move forward. I am an actor without direction or motivation. And that leaves me silent on the stage...