It's hard to believe my youngest daughter is almost a year old. Even harder still when I realize that my oldest is going to be 3 in a couple months... I've been a mom for almost 3 freakin years! What the hell?! It makes no sense to me.... I don't feel momish. I mean, when you think "mom", I am not exactly what comes to mind. I dye my hair crazy colors, I go to LARPs, I make obnoxious comments, I love dressing in corsets and fishnet, I curse.... It blows my mind. I'm a mess. I'm not sure if you'd know it by looking at me or talking to me. You can never really tell how thick your mask is to other people. You have a biased view. I would guess that its hard to tell though unless you see alot of me. And no one does. Just the girls and Goat. He notices now and then, but I don't think even he really knows how unhappy I am. I guess it doesn't really matter. I can't really change anything, and I have responsibilities, so... *shrug* I don't know... I guess its just that I don't want -this- to be what the rest of my life is. And I don't want my children growing up with a mom who's this unhappy. I mean, what kind of example does that set for them? A shitty one. How can you help another person to learn to be happy when you aren't yourself? And more than anything, I want them to be happy. I'm rambling. And it isn't like I'm saying anything I haven't said before. I'm gonna look for a job now.