My birthday is a month away. I've had this diary almost a year. Whoopi. Why do I feel as if I've wasted a whole year of my life? Not on this diary. In fact this diary just shows why i feel that way. How many happy entries are in it? How much has changed? Not much really. Still feeling... wrong. I saw an audition notice today. I can't go. I don't live here anymore. It doesn't feel right to not be able to go. Nothing feels right. My own body doesn't feel right. I've let myself ruin me. I'm trying to fix it... This is the yaer I've been waiting for. The year I never thought I'd reach. In a month so many doors will open to me... My life will be mine to control. But will I be able to change it? Or have I spent so long NOT changing that I won't know how..? And do I really want change? A year ago I was dying to leave here, NOW I'd do almost anything to come back. Is that wrong? Will I ever be content? If the beginning is bad can it really ever be good? Or is it like a book where the beginning is so horrible you can't get to the good part cuz you're stuck trying to get past the start..? Am I... ugh. I have to stop questioning everything liek that. Who's going to answer me? No one ever has before. I need to get away. I need to find myself before I'm lost forever.