Okay, I changed my mind. I don't feel like explaining that last entry. :) Anyway... I though I'd warn all you folks reading this, this entry is a little... personal. Its about something that happened to me a couple years ago and if you understand what I'm referring to it might bother you. So, you've been warned. Don't read it if you think you might have issues with it. Anyway... ....I can still see his eyes. Still feel his hands tearing my clothes... I still know the fear. ...the surprise at his strength... and the shock of his enjoyment at my expense... I still remember the tone of his voice... laughing at my pain... taunting me... yelling at me to stop crying... "Crying never does anything"... whispering to keep begging... it only made it better... I still feel sick at the thought. I can still remember the terror. The realization that, yes, he really could kill me at a whim... and I couldn't tell what would anger him or delight him... I can still feel my neck wrenching as my head was slammed into the wall, coushioned only by a thinning futon mattress.... I can still hear my voice pleading with him to stop... If only that were all I could remember... all that still floated through my mind at the still hours of night... then I could seek vengence.. then I could hate him. But I also remember why I didn't fight as hard as I know I could have... it sickens me... but... it was half fear of him... and half fear of hurting him. I was afraid to hurt HIM.... I also remember his face when he was done... the realization there... the sudden tears in his eyes... the way he collapsed to the floor sobbing. I saw the change in his eyes... as if he were a man possessed... then released by the demon. I remember him begging forgiveness... not 5 minutes later.... I remember... and somehow all I can do is pity him. After all he did... the abuse... the pain... the scars... after seeing through his soul to the evil there... I felt SORRY for him... How does one learn to cope with that..?