"If you search for tenderness It isn’t hard to find You can have the love you need to live But if you look for truthfulness You might just as well be blind It always seems to be so hard to give Honesty is such a lonely word Everyone is so untrue Honesty is hardly ever heard And mostly what I need from you I can always find someone To say they sympathize If I wear my heart out on my sleeve But I don’t want some pretty face To tell me pretty lies All I want is someone to believe..." This is a very good song. Most of Billy Joel's are... but this one in particular has its own certain credibilty at the moment. (Juliette: Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not in any way insinuating that you weren't honest with me last night. So don't think that. The song is just appropriate, thats all. I'm writing this for myself... though there is stuff I want you to understand... And since I am not to respond to what you wrote, this is all I have.) There was a conversation last night. It didn't go the way it should have... it proved that we rarely understand what someone else is trying to say... but it was productive. I'm not even sure what all was said, as I removed myself for a good part of it. ...I suppose I could go look, it was all logged in my archives.... but thats for later. Now... I feel I need to say something. I didn't manage to say it last night... though, I did try. I never can get out the words in my head... they always come out jumbled and skewed. Thats the entire reason I began this diary in the first place... to say what I couldn't... but I guess everyone loses sight of their intentions at some point. Anyway... ... God... now that I'm trying to say it... once again, the words I had are becoming scrambled and empty... oh well, I have to try.... I am not angy. Not now. Things are... how they should be. Now, I wish we could have just skipped the middle and gone straight to this part... but we didn't. More scars to heal for it, but thats life... you have to live it. What I want... what I wanted from the start... was this. If it she was going to stay with Richard... I wish she would have just stayed with him. If she wants to give that relationship an honest chance, I want it to be HONEST. And pure. I don't want her feelings for me... or us... to cloud it. Then, if it DOES last, she won't have the heartache and mistrust from "Us" contaminating their love and their future. ...*sigh* Speaking from experience, once you poison a relationship with mistrust and pain, you can never go back to the purity you once had... even if it DOES work out and you DO end up happy... there's always that thorn, just waiting to stab you when you're vulnerable... and I wouldn't wish that on anyone... *sigh* Now... if it DOESN'T work out between them... I want it to be because it just... doesn't work. I don't want a hand in it. I don't want any part of it to be because of her feeling towards me... or us. If that happens, she may always wonder what could have been "if only"... and she could end up resenting us... and there will always be that question "what if", and she'll never be able to be completely mine...ours... If she comes to be with me/us... I want her to truely want it. To be ready for it... to, as she so eloquently put, "shout it from the rooftops".... No questions. No regrets. No "what if"s or "if only"s. Come to me free from your inhibitions... only then can one truely experience a love to its fullest... If I can't have that, I don't want anything. So... I suppose we agree. This is all I wanted from the beginning... I'm sorry I couldn't find the words to make anyone understand... and I'm not angry for what's happening now... only hurt for how it happened.... as I said I would be. Honesty, regardles of how it may hurt, is the best policy when it comes to a person's heart. Now... I've finally gotten that off my chest and into open air... I don't really feel better, but... it helps... Frustration for my inability to communicate all the jumbled masses teeming through my skull always makes things that much worse... so... I'm alright now. Honesty... with one's self first... with others immidately thereafter... Please be honest. Everyone who reads this... please. Save everyone the heartache of finding out later... or having to make you admit to yourself what they already know... Just... be honest. *sigh* Things are... as they should be.