I had a thought today. A fear. What if everything I feel comes to nothing. Means nothing. I have far too many sentiments, far too many ties. Links to a past wich kills. Why do I live so much in the past? Its NOT living, what I do. I sit in my own world, silent as shadow. I feel sometimes as if I'm only a spectator. What I feel for the characters in this movie have no effect on the outcome of the plot. But then, why am I so involved? My life is almost split between two me's. The one who's "up", who's involved in the plot, almost a vital character, who loves and is loved, who matters, and the one who's "down". Detatched and silent. Uninvolved. Unimportant. Only... I'm more real as the shadow. More solid. I want to leave this darkness but I can't seem to get out. I try to scream for someone to come find me but they can't see me or hear my calls... The shadows begin to solidify... screens of silk sufocate me, I claw and tear at then but they only grow thicker and my nails crack and bleed... so much blood... I feel lost. I keep having that dream. I feel so hopeless. For the first time in years I WANT to love and trust and believe in something. In someone. Its just so hard... and so easy all at once. Everything is so damn chaotic. I hate the world, how dare it be so harsh to so many beautiful souls! Then suddenly I love to live, and I hate it, but I hated being so bitter, but it was so much easier and so much more painful, but the pain was easier to bear without a care and now I care and I don't want to but I need to so badly and it hurts so much and feels so good all at once I can't think can't speak so I draw away and you pull me back and I want you and need you but it scares me to take the risk... I think I know what I need to do but I'm so damn scared. I can't go through life like an abused animal. Craving love and affection but running scared at the first motion I see. Even if it means geting hurt again, I have to try. I wish I could listen to myself. Its so much easier to say than to do. Maybe I should go have therapy... NO! What good will that do? WHAT HAPENED HAPPENED. End of story. Life goes on. Doesn't it...?