I think my "lesbian side" is my self destructive side. I dunno.. .it just seems like whenever I have a crush on a girl I also have the "I want to do something dumb" urges. Like get drunk. Or act slutty. That just occured to me. I have the "crazy me" who likes girls and doesn't care what others think and is wild and daring and stupid, and I have the "sensible me" who wants to be married and have a supportive loving guy to take care of me, and is scared to death of getting into trouble and shy as hell and hides in her "safe" little depressing world. SO which one is better? I mean, the "crazy me" is happy sometimes... and outgoing and full of life... but the "sensible me" doesn't take the risks that are honestly bad. And she still has some happy moments.. just not ones that make me feel alive like "crazy me" does... *sigh* I dunno... its an odd thought I'm having, I guess... I wish I could find a happy mix of the two. Balance. But, no... I'm completely UNBALANCED. Extremes or nothing at all. Well, I guess there's also "apathetic me", who is so neutral she's practically dead. But even THAT is an extreme of sorts... the extreme of the middle. *sigh* I don't know what has me so pensive. Well, thats a lie. I do, kinda. Its a mix of things. I'm over at a friend's apartment, in a situation that confuses me, and I just read something I probably shouldn't have. But I'm just thoughtful, nothing bad. It IS odd to see someone else's point of veiw so closely match yours, but still be something that should upset you. *l* Eh. I miss feeling alive... maybe its just winter and hormonees... I just haven't felt really alive for a very very long time. Its like this is just some sad, grey, imitaion of life. Very much winter. Everything is so DEAD.... and there's nothing you can do about it but wait.