Sometimes I ache... I don't know why... or what for... I just get filled with this... sense of soul wrenching longing.... I want to cry... It like there's a hole in my soul... Some gaping void... it just sucks all the happiness out of me. I have that again tonight. I know I've written about it before. It just... it gnaws at me. This stupid ache for... SOMETHING. It wouldn't bother me as much if I even knew what the fuck I ached FOR. *sigh* Goddamn void... There has to be some way to fill it.. to plug it up... SOMETHING. Something from my past that I just can't remember... something I need to do... some goal I have to achieve... some love I need to find... I don't fucking know! It just won't let me rest.... And I'm getting really sick of having this.. This... This goddamn NEED for SOMETHING and no way to know what the hell it is! Damn. I just read a bit of the scenario for RenFest... Gr. Esmarelda is a character I would really love to play. *sigh* Oh well... I'll try without any real hope. That way I'm not disappointed, and I usually audition better that way anyway. And if by some freak cosmic joke I DO get the part, I'll actually have something to be pleasantly surprised about. (Then again, it'll just be taken away for some reason later... but what the hell, I'm used to it!) Anyway.... I didn't kiss her tonight. I wanted to... I just didn't. Wish I had.... *sigh* Oh well... I will next time I see her I hope. She came over for dinner and a movie. It was pleasant. Didn't really like the movie... but eh. It wasn't BAD, it just... it was weird. And there were parts that brought back some really bad memories... so I had to stop watching it. ... .... ... Yeah. He's been coming to mind a lot recently. I don't know why. It just sucks. And Now I'm getting worried that I don't know where he is anymore. It almost scares me. I have this irrational fear that he'll show up on my doorstep... Again... but thats silly. He shouldn't be able to find me here... and anyway, he shouldn't have any reason to. Its been months since we even talked... so thats good. I think. *sigh* I dunno... I still have creepy dreams and random flashbacks now and then... It's not healthy I know.. but I mean, what am I supposed to do? It was almost 3 fucking years ago... Maybe the baby is making my survival instinct go haywire. *sigh* Ugh. I should sleep. Doctor's apt in the morning. Lets see how much closer I am to labor NOW. ...