Huh. Well... I'm over at my parents'. There's no one here but me and Winter. And I can't get on the internet. My computet CLAIMS it has a connection, but nothing works. I can't get on IM, I can't get to any web pages, and I can't log on to World of Warcraft (my latest addiction). SO, naturally, I'm a bit stir crazy. You may ask how I managed to write this then, right? Well, I'm writing it on notepad, and if I still can't connect by the time I'm done, I'll just save it and post it when I get home. Duh. ;þ Anyway... I would just leave and go back home where I KNOW I have a connection... but I put laundry in the wash, so I have to wait for it to be done. I also promised Goat I'd wash his clothes, so I'll be here for a few hours. *sigh* I may take a nap... Yeah. I think I'll do that. ...when I'm done writing. :) I have the time, so... I'm just gonna write. (I recommend NOT reading this, it'll just be REALLY LONG and BORING, but its up to you) Hmm... what to write? I'm not sure whats wrong with me. Its like... oh, geez. I just realized what I'm doing with Juliette. Guh... This is the same way it was with Strife... I loved him, but he wasn't mine... but I didn't care. I respected that he was in a relationship with someone else, but I was in love and saw no reason to hide it or deny it. You can't help what your heart feels, right? But I'm doing it AGAIN. ....I don't know why I feel like thats a bad thing. To be honest, when Strife and I were together, it was probably the best relationship I've been in. But still... I can't help feeling like if I hadn't been so open about my feelings towards him, maybe his relationship would have gone better. Its silly, really... he wasn't very happy with his girlfriend. She was seeing other people and he HATED that... but I still can't help feeling a bit guilty. *sigh* And it was even this way after we broke up. In fact.. I would venture to say its STILL this way... I love Strife. I always will. Why shouln't I be allowed to tell him and show him that? He was my first love... and, something I don't like talking about... I asked him to marry me once. And I meant it.... if I hadn't left... for such dumb reasons... sometimes I wonder what would be different in my life today. I won't say I regret it. I made my choices, and I'm very happy where I am now... but you still have to wonder, right? I was so in love with him... I wonder if he knows that..? *sigh* Anyway... thats kind of how I've been acting about Juliette... she's not mine. She's with someone else. But... I love her. And she loves me. So whats wrong with that? *sigh* Nothing... except.. well... how to explain? Ah. Yesterday. Yesterday, she was going to be going to the Nelson with her Art History class. And I was THIS CLOSE to just showing up at the museum for the tiny chance I might get to see her. I wanted so badly to pick her some flowers from my parents yard and find out when her class was going to be there, then drive there and search the place for her class, just so I could give her the flowers and tell her I loved her. Thats all... its not like I was going to ask her to leave her boyfriend, or ask for ANYTHING at all... its just the sort of thing I get the urge to do sometimes... when I love someone. But there was no way I could gaurentee I'd have been able to find her, or that she'd be able to get away from her class to even say hi... and I shoudln't do things like that when someone is in a relationship with SOMEONE ELSE. ...but "You can't help what your heart feels". *wry laugh* Man... I'm an idiot... but at least I know I'm really in love... I wish... I wish I had the freedom (and the time, and the means) to do that sort of thing... I just want to make her smile sometimes... for no reason other than to see her smile. But thats... me. The old me. The 13 year old. The "innocent". The me I want to be... and she brings back. *sigh* Now... I don't want it to sound like I'm unhappy with Goat. Quite the opposite. Though I do admit ours isn't the best relationship I've been in, it isn't because I'm unhappy or its bad, or even that its not the one I'd choose to be in. Its honestly our past. We have a really shitty past. Things now... they're GOOD. They're AWSOME. But, our past DOES drag down the relationship rating as a whole. I'm still more in love with him than I have words to express. And I'm still going to marry him. I'd do it NOW if I could. I'd sign the papers and change my name so I could shout to the world that I'm his and he's mine RIGHT NOW! GOD, I -want- to... but he wants to do things "the right way". He says its too special a thing to just gloss over or screw up. :) And to be honest... thats the most romantic thing in the world to me. I want more than anything to be his wife... but I can wait to do it the right way. :) It still shouldn't be too long form now. Its almost April... so in like 1 1/2 months... I may be OFICIALLY Mrs. Murrell. :D ...GODS I love him... and I'm never letting go again. Hm... love, in all its forms, really makes you ache.... And, before you ask, or make any dumb assumptions or judgements, I CAN love them both. Juliette AND Goat. Real love. And it could work... they love eachother as well. But... thats not important. I just love... is that so wrong? And.... YAY! The internet is up again! So I'll post this now.