im tired. i wont fight my feelings anymore. im attracted to him and well. to be completely honest. i had a dream last night that didnt include Cresten. instead. i dreampt i was on top of the guy i am suddenly attracted to........ and we kissed. passionately. and i cried. because i missed cresten. but when he held me everything about my life got better. and then i woke up. and so. i dont know if i want to keep cresten. even if he does come back. because. well. it seems now that he isnt planning on it. it seems as though hes planning to ditch college and just work at EFFING TJMax for the rest of his life. well good luck to you. ive been happy today. i tried to cry about it in the car on the way home with Kyle. but i cant anymore. im just tired of tears. im dehydrated. its as though ive accepted a loss. he doesnt know. OBVIOUSLY, he doesnt care all too much. well. im just waiting. his clothes will get dirty sometime. he will run out of gas money. something will happen. hes got to get a hold of me. hes got to come home. and thats when ill tell him. thats when ill say, "darling, i dont know anymore." and hell say "about what? what do you mean?" and ill say "are you blind??! just look at me!" and then hell ask "are you wanting to break up with me?!" and ill say... "........ cant you see this coming?! its like a freight train and youre standing, staring at it on the tracks. when you pulled this shit it made me wonder about you in general. i just dont know what to do. i thought i loved you. and i do. but i guess you dont care about me" and well get in a big long discussion, maybe a fight, and chances are ill end up back with him. but theres ever so slightly the chance i wont.