"hey uh i know this is like really random and stuff. but like i just wanted to say i was sorry for everything. and i sound like a cheesey looser, but i just kinda wanted u to kno. i mean i kno u dont care ne more, but its just some closure to... everything." i tried to send it to paul. i did. but i just couldnt bring myself to press the button. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ cresten. dear god. im so.......mixed. my heart is weighed so heavily now. it feels like a thousand pounds in my chest. throbbing. telling me. i know i love him. i know i do. cuz i know if i tried to leave him id come crawling right back. i need him so much right now. but im so angry with him. i want to slap him and hug him at the same time. things. they just.... are things. actions. cannot be erased. he may be truly sorry for picking up that round, rolled peice of paper with the dried leaves in it. he might truly be sorry for lighting it up and inhaling all those toxins. im sure he thinks the same when i drink from the dirty tap. but theres a differecne. i tell him. hes usually there. he lies to me about it. im never there. cresten!!! im crying out to you! im crying out to anyone! can anyone cure this pain?? can anyone? im so tired of hiding it. sweeping away its footsteps. im so tired. so. tired of locking it in a dark closet, pretending to be happy when im really just dead inside. i know this, and i know what it is. i just dont want to talk to god. he may love me but,... he never tells me.