i slept but i feel like i havent slept in years where my eyes still burn and im still shaky a little and sick and im ok. it burns so much ive never opened up so much to someone before in such a short amount of time i havent cried like that since david died. better keep my mind off him or ill cry again. i hate that crying that body wrenching nervous convulsing where its like everything built up inside just flows out in wave-like gyrations through my whole body. i hate it. i feel like i have post traumatic stress syndrome. god ive never opened like that before. like a christmas present. i feel like ive just had my pretty paper protection torn off. im so vunerable. or i feel like it. i feel so helpless so totally dependant on somone else. on him. any mean word or harshness would break my spirit right now. somebody really KNOWS me now. this thing pretty much documented to the hour everything i felt last night. all that stuff i said. i mean it i feel it i was scared to say it i tried to open up before. i was in the process of opening up like that to someone. telling them those things and then i got smacked in the face. i got torn apart. thats why i was so afraid to do it because for me to fully dedicate myself to someone and then just lose them again .... im still hurt its been at least9 months since me and cresten and it still hurts like hell and these past 7 or 8 (hes the one that keeps track) with kyle... have been awesome. i didnt think about it but ive liked him for at least close to a year now. since after cresten broke up with me for the first time and i got really shit faced over spring break. that was march. last year. and now its feburary. wow. a year. its flown by my life is moving so fast. i feel like im just sitting back and marveling at it. im a really fast typer and still yet all my thoughts run through my head faster than ill ever be able to type theres so much i want to say i dont know what to say though in my head, im just sitting here. staring so utterly shocked. i really thought he was going to leave. i braced myself for it all last night. it was his choice. and im really really happy, shocked, amazed... that he sticks with me. im such a douche bag i really hate myself. what does he see in me. honestly. god hes so much better than me. in general as a person the only thing i might have over him is art/music and thats just because he doesnt do it im sure if he tried it hed kick ass either one. hes got the potential. i think he needs a guitar. or a drumset. so when hes alone all day at home he can play the guitar or gets pissed, he can beat the hell out of a set. im gay. im really so in love with him. everything that weve ever shared came back to me last night while i was sitting in the car i went trhough everything fountain, downtown, kasey, neible's and pat's just sitting with him on the couch, laying in his bed, espically for the first time, our first kiss, the first time we made love, how awkward it was because i didnt want to end up back with cresten and hurt his feelings, and he was so considerate. and i really already loved him. actually. now that i think about it. from the first time we held hands in the S. i thought mike was a nice guy at first, and yeah i did have a thing for him. but when i got to know kyle better. he totally blew mike out of the water in general. he thinks mike is so much better than him. i dont. anyways. ive been typing for a half hour. i need to eat breakfast. i havent eaten for like... 34 hours. i feel sick. but just fyi i love kyle bergman all the way to the moon and then some.