ok. so im pretty much a dumbass. i shouldnt have flipped out at anything. if he just wanted to think. then so be it. i mean. if hes gonna sit here and compare me to megan and all the things shes done to him.. that i watched her do... then. really. should i be in a relationship like that? or is he even ready for one...? and if he cant handle me having guy friends.. thats just not how it goes. ok. i can controll myself around guys. jesus. im not fucking slut that wants to screw everybody. theyre just my friends. like the other night. when he was all upset cuz JD and Fro kept sayin stuff to me. i dont care, cuz i know i dont like them like that, and they know i dont. honestly. they know my situation... Fro better than most of them. and why the hell would i put myself in a position to make things worse? i dunno. i guess i kinda did flip out on him. but pretty much just because me hanging out with kasey for like ten min. seems to me to be a pretty ridiculous thing to be mad at. shit. i was talking mostly about kyle and cresten and how hard things have been lately.. anyways. that and how much i hate pep sessions cuz the band gets so much shit and theyre just gay. kasey knows im not looking to get into a relationship. hes just looking for a friend thats not all into drinking and smoking pot like all his other friends. but im really tired of this. where he gets upset and just runs away. things would be soo much easier if hed just confront it. but shit. he wont even call and talk to me about it. and yah.. i understand thats an effect left over from the relationship with megan. god she fucked him up. but. still. thats no reason to take shit out on me. im not her. shit. i dont even like her. i never really did. i mean i was just her friend. there to listen to her and just hang out. i didnt have many people. im not a cunning meniacle bitch. so.. ive lied to him about hanging out with cresten before. i know. but he got the truth out of me anyways. i just i dunno.. lied about that cuz i didnt want to upset him. in all honesty cresten is still my best friend. i know that. thats why i was upset already yesterday. kyle didnt even give me a fucking chance. i mean. i was already upset before i found out he was upset. i had mom shit going on. that and i was trying to talk to cresten about everything. analyize what happened. figure out why. i mean. its just. i have such a hate for that girl. her name is Nicole. its just hard for me. i mean when im with kyle things are great. but like. when im alone just sitting around. i start thinking about what the hell happened. how happy i was. and how that bitch took things away. and i think about how.. how things went for them. that night. i try to imagine it. ive never even seen the place, the girl, anyone that was there. the only features i can be sure about are cresten. so you know. the imagination runs wild. then i got on here and read kyles message from myspace. and shit. i just flipped. i was all flipped out yesterday from around 1 till like i dunno when this morning. all i did yesterday was cry. and it wasnt cuz kyles message. it was cuz everything. its been so fucking hard. no one understands. all cresten could do was just sit there and watch me cry. and talk about kyle. and he just took it. and then he invited me to go out to jake martinez's (the band's guitarist).. cuz they were having "smoke fest".. and well even though neither of us smoke anymore.. he knew i wasnt gonna stay home anyways. but where would i have gone? not to the Frey house. thats where id usually be. but nope. i couldnt have. i couldnt call up kasey or zach to hang out.. i mean. i could have. but i dont want to put myself into more shit. so i went to Jakes. and hung out with Josh Inkenbrandt and Baker. cuz being the potfucks they are.. they at least care. somewhat. and i was ok. just sitting there. i was pretty bored, so i busted out the sharpies and drew a sleve up my arm. and then i got kyle's text saying i was over dramatizing shit and that i should basically leave him the hell alone. well. fine. i got so shitty. i was starting to feel better. so i took a walk. outside. and cresten came out to make sure i was ok. and i just sat there and cried and talked about kyle. and i dont know why i was even flipping out about it. its just hard for me to deal with someone who WONT talk to me. i mean im always ridiculously willing to work shit out, instead of fighting about it, ignoring each other, dragging out those feelings.. i mean i always just found it easier to work something out. it is easier. to me.. that shit seems so immature. just fucking talk about it. if this is how its gonna be, anytime hes upset about something... im not sure i can handle it. im just glad that cresten's there. you know. just to listen to me talk about shit. he puts up with me and kyle. and my attitude.. and how i just keep fucking leaving all the time. i dont know what my deal is. look. i guess what im saying. is that im pretty fucked up. i told you that before. that i know things happened quickly. its not like me either. i dont know how or why i got so attached to kyle. why i love him soo much already. its just really hard for me. when i spent so much time making myself believe that id never find anyone that could make me happy to just be around.. like cresten. and then i go off and figure out that im just happy being around kyle. i dont think about shit. i dont know. i just hope i didnt fuck shit up. i dunno. if i did.. what would i do? shit i didnt even do anything. if hes gonna let just hanging out with someone upset the crap outa him.. then maybe i dont need that. but like i said. i understand what megan did. but im not fucking her. i told him before that he couldnt get mad at me, cuz all my friends were guys. he said he didnt care as long as i told him. and i did tell him. i said i hung out with kasey for a little bit. he asked if it was myspace kasey and i said yeah. were just cool friends. i dont like him like any more than that. shit, its just cool to have someone to talk to sometimes. i even told him about how kyle came to the game that night. and how sweet i thought it was. and thats about when i started getting bitched at. so he had to leave and whatnot. whatever. i dunno. i give up. if hell let something like that ruin everything then fine. thats just... stupid. to compare me to megan so much. the reason why i thought the whole speil in the first place was stupid was cuz he was so upset about me just hanging out with another guy. and then. when i told him i thought it was stupid, it just pissed me off more, cuz he started comparing me to megan and all the shit she did to him. how she used to tell him his worry was stupid and shit. no i dont think its stupid that hed worry about that. i understand. cresten used to be the same way about me hanging out over at mike's. but.. i mean. its like. me. i just have a lot of guy friends. theyre easier for me to talk to. to just chill with. i hate girls they get SOOO annoying. whitney for example. can just irritate the crap outa me and she wont even have to do anything. i mean how do i PROVE to kyle that i dont do shit with other guys? i mean.. honestly. theres the whole trust factor there. i didnt care that he didnt mention much to me about going to lauren's party. if he doesnt recall.. he almost forgot to tell ME that. i mean its not like i dont wonder about stuff too. but then im just like. well if he really cares about me as much as he says he does, hes been through enough, knows what ive been though.. he wouldnt do anything to hurt me. its the same on my part. i know what its like to be cheated on and lied to. its shitty. i dont wish that upon anyone. i dont know. its too early to get myself all worked up over this shit. i told him to call me last night. when he figured something out. i guess.. he didnt. cuz he didnt call. so. whatever. fuckin..bye.