damnit. i feel like such a fuck up all the time. A A A B+ C+ A on the report card and suddenly its the end of the fucking world i dropped from 4th in the class to 6th oh god. out of 126 people. honestly, im not too worried. i cant do shit right for mom. she cant be proud of 4 As and a B+ no shes pissed about the C and i feel like im a horrible girlfriend. like i cant do anything right in our relationship. i mean.. i try and say things to kyle. just to let him know i love him. and its like... EVEN though he KNOWS i mean well. he takes offense to it. i want that fire back between us. i dont want our relationship to be "real" as he put it. i want that feeling of an "alternate universe" again. why cant we try? why cant i be forgiven? im older. ive more than enough proved my love to him. id do anything for him. ID DIE FOR HIM. and im not lying. ive gone through so many scenarios... there isnt anything i wouldnt do for him... this just tears at me every single day knowing how in love i am but not feeling like i can show it the way i want, or get it in return..... ive given so much thought about what he said about his grandpa and grandma... i feel so incredibly horrible for all the times we argued. all the times i cussed him out... and vise versa... its just... i feel.. like... im not as special anymore. like... i am... but only to an extent. im just there for the time being... and someday ill just be another face in the crowd... i dont want that.... i WANT to say those gay things to you. tell you that id rope the moon for you... talk about what a future would be like. i feel like were just in the moment, living for today. i, however, dont know what you want. maybe you like it better this way. maybe you dont feel so attached... maybe im loseable. i used to not be. how long does one have to wait before they get forgiveness? im trying so hard here.... why dont you see that? ...god... i just want to show you how i love you like i used to be able to...........