i was going back and re reading some of my first entries. i've grown up a lot. in just these 9 months of diary time. i started this piece of shit in January. now its september. wow. so much has happened and changed. and its all documented right here. well one thing ive never really talked about hate. ive assessed a lot of things. but never that one feeling. its a feeling thats hard for me to live with. i use the word with care.. or well i try to.. when im talking about people. when i talk about mom. i truly hate her. in all context of the word. loathe her. sometimes i hold her to the point that she is one of the skidmarks on the underpants of society. but in all respect. i still love her. if anyone can understand that. but. ive never expeirenced.. a true.. burning. hateful. passion. dark and obsessive. and vengeful. until now. now that i think back on whats happened. ive never had a true bloodthirst for someone to hurt back.. until now. i was thinking about going over to kyle's for a bit today... but i decided against it.. cuz i didnt know if he'd be home. and i wanted to get some stuff off my chest. i mean i did for the most part. but really i want to assess why it bothers me so much. this thing has become more "healing" than i ever imagined possible. well come on. get to it. well. here. i hate that girl. i dont even know her name. but she ruined my life.. and changed it forever. before. up until now. major life changes.. were due to fate. a thing i cant controll. do anything about. but this girl. i will find her. i will tell her. i have such a desire to just.. kill her. to be completely honest. this is probably gonna scare some people. it scares me... myself. ive never felt so purely violent towars another human being in my life. that night. she walked up to cresten. that night. she killed me. that night.. as they probably kissed.. did things that only I should have been entitled to... she killed two people. she killed a relationship. she killed me. i died that night. unknowingly. on a bus. coming back from chicago. sleeping with a soft smile. because i was glad. the next day would be our 1 year. we would spend the day together. she took that away from me. that.. deep inset happiness. that made me smile. for no reason. i think about it. im typing though tears again. i mean i cant think about it. how someone out there. some girl. i dont know. is walking around. happy. unknowing. that she killed me. that she killed him. mine and cresten's blood were spilled for her one fucking night of fun. .... im so angry. upset. i have to hold on a second. she took everything away from me. the night she fucked up everything. literally. I DONT EVEN KNOW HER FUCKING NAME. its like.. someone who gets killed and doesnt even know their murderer. i can see why restless spirits cry in anguish for their lives. i was happy. i was so.. fucking. happy. that night. as it happened. so. fucking happy. ... and i was being killed. with a smile on my face. i hate myself. for being so ... niave that something like that could happen to me agian. from someone. but this time. i truly loved that person. that bitch! THAT FUCKING BITCH!!! SHE FUCKING HAS MY LIFE! MY HAPPINESS! EVERYTHING!!!!!!! SHE FUCKING... ... .. i talked to cresten last night about it at church. .. i cried so hard. its so hard. i had that. that warmth. that feeling inside that you knew it would be ok no matter what. now. since she took it away. im so hallow. so dark. so empty. i feel like a void. theres only one person since that day thats made me feel like im not worthless. that im not hallow. that there might be a little something left of a heart in me to break. kyle. but i cant get on that situation right now. i just cant. this entry is for my hate. and i hate that girl. with every. inch of my soul. i hate her. its pure undeniable hate. its black. when i think about it.. black clouds my mind. i dont even know what she looks like. to picture killing her. i have more chivalry than that. but i want to meet her. i dont know what id say. how id react. either id walk up to her. be nice. shake it. and then.. when eveyone is gone. pull her to the side. tell her. "i hate you . i just want you to know that. i hate you with every inch of me. you stole my life, my soul, my happiness. you deserve death. youre a slut with no meaning and purpose in this world. youre the only person ill never forgive. i just want you to think about it every day. that you have someone in this world that hates you. you know nothing of me. never have. but i want you dead. i want nothing less than to see you wilt. wither in agony. pain. ... but. i cant. so. just think of this. every morning. before you go to shcool. before you sleep at night. while youre FUCKING... your new boyfriend. how you took someones life. and how youre a murderer... i want this ghost to haunt you. for the rest of your days." but it wouldnt probably mean much to a slut like her. who does what she did?! who walks up to a guy.. thats fucked up.. that everyone knows has a girlfriend. that everyone knows he loves. and says.. "are you who im fucking tonight?" ... who does that shit!? who deserves to live.. after that shit!? she doesnt. she should die. i want to kill this girl. it scares me so bad. that if i saw her. was told who she was. that i was just snap. go into a black rage. and serriously injure her. i would. id do it. not because she fucked my boyfriend. not because shes a slut. but because she directly affected me with her stupididty. because she took everything i had. and is niaevely walking around as if everythign in the world is dandy. i want her to die. i want her to feel this empty pain ive dealt with since that day. for the last... two months. .... oh god. i just realized. tomorrow would be 14 months for me and cresten. 14. would be. . . . it WOULD BE! THAT FUCKING BITCH EVEN TOOK THAT! THE HAPPINESS I KNEW FROM JUST KNOWING THAT!!! SHE WILL FUCKING DIE! damnit! i cant handle myself. ive lived like this for so long. i have to get it out. im so self destructive because i know no where else to take it out at. but now. i want to take out everything. so bad on her. i want her to bleed. i want her to cry. to scream in pain. like that day i did when i got home from the river when cresten told me what had happened. i want her. to just. burn. i have so much desire. hate for this girl. true. pure. justified. and its eating me up inside. i didnt even think about any of this until a couple days ago. kyle's gonna think im insane. cresten.. hes already heard this. the rest of you. hopefully youll understand. maybe you wont. but i know hate now. for so long. id forgive. just so i wouldnt have to deal with this feeling. so long.. id just.. forget. it was easy. to just get over stuff. but ive dwelt on this for months now. trying to accept. but i just cant get over that. shit. i just cant. i cant.. think about it. it makes me sick. to think of him.. how happy i was.. he was there. i was smiling. she was fucking. he was.. i was... she was.. i make myself sick. thinking about it. crying about it. i almost had a panick attack last night. im crying so hard right now. it has to get out. this scar is the biggest i will ever carry. its bigger than how my mom hits me. its bigger than my brother's death. its bigger than anything i know. its so large.. that i just dont know what to do. maybe ill bleed out. i dont know. maybe it will heal. its doubtful. i just know. that everyone puts me up to be such an angel. well. just so you know. i can be your worst fucking nightmare too. no one sees this dark side of me. i hardly ever do. its scary when im on edge like this. ill do something i regret. ill hurt something. i need to go lay down.. before i get anymore worked up. but yes. here you go. this is it. for now. dont think im fucked up please. im just trying to find myself again. trying to find what i lost. ... or rather. what was stolen from me.