im confused. sick of being so misrable all the time. maybe im making stupid choices. maybe i SHOULD just focus on myself for a while. it seems like i might have to. being the only junior in physics is ridiculous. i mean im already loaded with hw and its only the second day. and piano. and band. and effin church all the time. im suprised i held on to anything for so long. i was christened with mike's wheel today in ceramics. i guess im the next in line to take his place. and after me, it shall be dan. but yeah he stopped in today during my period. anna kept saying how good i was and that even though i cant throw, ill pick up on it quick and just be good at everything again. i dont try. im not magic. i just am. i know that. i could do anything. i dont even have to think about it. it just happens. like last night at piano. i was thinking.. hey itd be cool to have a cd of all these craaaazy ass depressing peices.. and then my teacher just gets up.. walks in the kitchen.. grabs a cd and says "here i think you should listen to this.. its just a bunch of really good piano peices on a cd. youll like it." wheeeoot. i mean.. considering. ive been sooo shitty lately.. school just makes things better for me. im happy there. you know. its weird. im like.. away from everyone and everything. odd.. but yeah im away from home.. from kyle.. cresten.. everything affecting me.. i can just be me.. i guess thats why i like it. so right now im in a pretty good mood. oh but by the end of tonight ill be crying hysterically again. im just alone right now. i like it. alone. in the cemetary. alone. in the house. alone. in my room alone. now.. alone just feels so good. im not worrying about anyone else but me. i guess its cuz i spent my whole summer worrying about others. i dont know. ive been assessing.. opressing.. depressing.. regressing.. for so long. that i just dont seem to care anymore what happens. i mean. i could just keel over right now. and be OK with it. things just suck. bad. im sorry. you know. i never meant to hurt anyone. maybe i just should take time for myself. not talk to either of them. i mean.. i dunno after last night.. i just dont know what i want.. well still dont. i seemed to have made a choice. but i have second thoughts. why do i keep doing this?! go die emo kid! just die!